Some Thoughts On Things - A Collaborative Blog

Until Further Notice...

2007-12-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

For the time being, this blog is no longer running. We are all sad, but such is life. For Marie's blog (whom has contributed most of the blogs) please visit her at emofights.blogspot.com.

Peace Out.

Yes, Please...

2007-11-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

I do not envy the hype Ledger has to bare, but this is awesome!

Better than "Into the Wild" could ever dream... The Mist.

2007-11-28T09:07:00.000-08:00

The Mist, directed by Frank Darabont (of Shawshank Redemption fame) is so much better than it's being given credit for. In fact, the only thing actually working against this film is a few scenes of mediocre CGI, but the poor CGI is ultimately canceled out by some (in particular one giant) instance of CGI glory. However, this film shines because its CGI creatures are NOT the stars of the film. Wouldn't you know it, the HUMAN ACTORS are what prop this film up with excellence. It's a horror film that is not catering to pre-teens and torture fetishists, that manages to be entertaining in a way that doesn't require it to be so bad it's funny.

Hearing about The Mist before it arrived in theatres, I wasn't exactly counting down the days: Another adaptation of a Stephen King novel, and this one's about sinister mist... No Country for Old Men should be out soon! But NO, Frank Darabont, an actually credible director, was not gonna go down like that (i.e. The Grudge, Hostel II, shit etc. etc.). He deserves major kudos for the screenplay and his almost documentary like shooting. The film also has a pretty unobtrusive film score. The composer has the rare gift of understanding the benefit of silence. We don't need music to tell us when to be scared.

When the preview rolled around, my senses were perked by the presence of Thomas Jane. Thomas Jane is sorely underused these days, and even though The Mist is inexplicably getting lame reviews by upscale snooty film reviewers, as well as performing rather poorly at the box office, I like to think that someone who has power in the industry could see this film and recognize the quality acting going on, especially from T. Jane.

Unlike what the preview suggested, the actual mist in the film looks excellent, and slithers creepily and realistically over the small New England town. Had the filmmakers desired it, and had they balls that huge, the creepiness of the film could have been sustained by the mist alone. Of course unraveling human psyches barreling down the path of sociopathic religious hysteria never fails to create an uncomfortable and dangerous environment. Marcia Gay Harden plays her best role in years as the town batshit-crazy religious zealot. She is indeed a villain you don't have a warm spot for, and that's refreshing. A wiser choice than her embarrassingly awful and cliche roles in Into the Wild and The Invisible, two of the worst films I've seen so far this year.
The central child in the film, Jane's son, is not annoying or meant to be abnormally intelligent or creepy, which is also refreshing. No one trapped in the grocery store is portrayed as particularly remarkable, including Jane's character, who is more or less the hero of the film. Anything goes when everyone in the room is just a regular joe who simply wanted a few nonperishable goods to store in the house after a nasty storm. The fun of these disaster survival movies is being able to relate to the characters, and in your mind play out the way you would personally react to each situation.

The ongoing battle between religion/hysteria and science/rationale is played out between the increasingly divided store patrons. Sure, some points are cliche and some of the characterizations come off as over the top, but you can't really say that it's an ultimately dishonest display. One character, whom I shall refer to as Capote II, sums up one of the main commentaries in the film when he states, and I'm paraphrasing, that if you put more than one person in the room they'll immediately take sides and then think of reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion? Amen to that. Of course another reason to start killing each other out of fear could simply be government experimentations that cause a portal tear into a sinister otherworld that spills over uncontrollably into our own. Simply a theory. Life affords us so many possibilities.

For a good time that won't cause cantankerous sores in the brain, go see The Mist.

J Dogg and The Lizzles

2007-11-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

*Small's Hamtramck, MI Nov. 14, 2007

At a young age I would sneak downstairs late at night and watch unmentionable things on Cinemax. Late night porn aside, there was plenty of R rated goodness my parents tried so hard to shield me from. The most standout memory from all this sneakery is a film called Strange Days from 1994 starring Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett and Juliette Lewis. I still love that film, but the defining aspect of it for me was Juliette Lewis with long fiery red hair, barely there rocker chick clothing, belting out this song that I thought was so awesome it pained me that I could not listen to it whenever I desired. It wouldn't be until 2000 that I would learn that the two songs in the film Miss Lewis sang were PJ Harvey songs (Rid of Me and Hardly Wait), and shortly thereafter I discovered that the soundtrack to Strange Days had the coveted Hardly Wait cover that I so enjoyed.

*Strange Days 1994 singing Hardly Wait

While Miss Polly Jean is the true innovator, and I would come to worship and adore her, Juliette was the one who infiltrated my brain first, and I kept on eye out for any other vocal endeavors she may embark on. In Natural Born Killers she sang a bit of a tune called Born Bad, which was sampled by a group called The Infidels in a song called Bad Brother. In 2004 Lewis sang on two Prodigy songs- Spitfire and Hot Ride- on their album Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned. Those were easily the best songs on the meager offering. Then FINALLY she got her own band together and left the cruel film world in the dust...for the most part.

Like a Bolt of Lightning...
Juliette and the Licks debut e.p. - released 2005

This is by far the crown jewel of The Licks' releases so far. Bad ass rock n' roll at it's finest. If you're curious, this is the place to start...and maybe end. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's best to by their other songs individually. If you care...

You're Speaking My Language
released 2005

Not a strong LP. It is clear that the group can only make half a strong album, at least in my opinion. It is unfortunate, but things don't seem hopeless, and Juliette is clearly hellbent on a CAREER, so there's plenty of time for growth.

Four on the Floor
released 2006

I am relieved that J Dogg and the Licks are pumping out the tunes, but again, it's only half a good album. I am thrilled that the group is beginning to be taken seriously and appear to have conquered Europe like they made the place.

The live show, that's where it's at. Unfortunately, I was cheated out of two previous opportunities to see Juliette rock the shit. The first, in 2005, they played at the Magic Stick, and I found out about it the DAY after. Tragic. Second, in 2006, for months the Licks are scheduled to play at the Magic Bag (note to out-of-towners, these are both gloriously small indie rock venues/bars in the metro Detroit area) it became increasingly clear that they were double booked, and by the time I learned that the show had been rescheduled for a venue in Ann Arbor (45 min. away) it was too late. My next opportunity was a few months ago when the Licks were opening for Chris Cornell. Love the man, not so much his solo work. Would have gone if not for the obscene ticket prices (ok, 35 + ticketmaster slave fee) could be worse, but more than I can afford). I was torn, but thankfully a headlining tour was announced for the band.

Success! I finally get to witness the greatness that is Juliette and the Licks LIVE. This is hands down her calling in life- LIVE ROCK SHOWS. I felt fifteen again, screaming my head off. It was like seeing Shirley Manson for the first time, except Juliette-FUCKIN OSCAR NOMINATED BAD ASS BITCH DATED JOHNNY DEPP AND BRAD PITT-Lewis was in front of me belting it out like a real rock pro. Her voice was strong and not over powered by the music. Her band was a bunch a hot dudes in jeans w/ no shirts on who are excellent rock musicians. She commanded the stage like nobody's business, and proved to be one of, if not the most generous performer I have ever seen. She exuded so much positive energy that I felt extremely elated, excited afterwards. If nothing else, people, see this woman live. They played songs that I KNOW I do not like, and the energy made them awesome. Rock shows in small venues, good times. Good. Times.

In Television News: This is What Happens, Larry, When You Fuck a Stranger in the Ass!!!

2007-11-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

See mom and dad, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I instinctually knew that what I aspire to be is being severely shit upon anyway, so why bother?

Not that entertainment is the most important aspect of existence, no of course not, but I pray that the Mayans are right, and the apocalypse comes soon because I want to relish the ultimate destruction of every blood sucking, creativity stifling, shamelessly greedy and heartless corporation on the face of this Earth. I want to watch them burn and crumble to the earth and get swept away in the ashes of the fallout, and then drowned in the rising of the seas. I will be cackling atop a mountain eating s'mores, hoarding the last batteries on earth and blasting Heresy by Nine Inch Nails, and waving a giant flag with my mantra :
"The people you're after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us."

The WGA Strike: Keep on!

The WGA Strike and the Death of Television

This WGA strike sucks, to be sure. If it goes on for more than three months (which is looking increasingly likely), pilot season won't happen, no new shows will be created, no new seasons will come back, and we'll be stuck with the dregs of reality TV for a full year. Yep, that means no last season of Battlestar Galactica, no new season of Lost, and no new episodes of The Office. It's no small thing, and not just because you'll be inconvenienced by marathons of Overweight Celebrity Chili Cook-Off Island or whatever the networks will throw up when they run out of new programming.

TV is not disappearing anytime soon, but clearly, it's going to be replaced by either the internet or some TV/internet hybrid. Like the music industry, the TV industry realizes that their tried-and-true business model is about to be useless, and it's lashing out in panic. Unlike the music industry, who stupidly attacked its fans, the TV industry is attacking its own creative source: writers. But the WGA wouldn't be striking if this wasn't important. We talked to both sides to get at the root of the trouble.

Eric Appel, who's written for Crank Yankers and The Andy Milonakis Show and consulted for MTVs Human Giant, told me:

"New media is where television is going. In a few years cable is just gonna be the internet. And unlike TiVo where you can skip the advertisements, in [new, network-run] streaming players you're forced to sit through the ads. The networks are making money on that, and the studios don't want to give writers any of it."

Imagine if the recording industry decided that the internet was merely a way to promote CDs and that no songs sold online counted when paying musicians. Their argument would be that people were just checking out those songs and might go buy the CD later, at which point the artist would get paid. This is essentially the argument the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) is making.

Here's what a spokesperson told me:

"New media has proven to be an effective and cost-effective promotional and marketing tool for both films and television but there is not enough marketplace data to judge its true potential, ultimate impact on traditional media or viability as a business."

Basically, they claim they don't make any money off the internet so there's nothing to share with the writers, and since "each new month brings new ways to produce, distribute and consume media and entertainment" they don't want to agree to give writers any new media residuals.

As it stands, writers get a small percentage of revenue if a show is successful and reruns often, which is why Jerry Seinfeld drives a gold-plated flying car between his mansions in the Hamptons and Dubai. At the moment, they aren't paid any residuals for new media distribution, despite the fact that online content delivery is the future.

The problem with this logic is that if new media really didn't bring in any money, there wouldn't be a problem. The writers are asking for a percentage of profits from new media — a percentage of nothing is nothing, after all.

So what this battle basically boils down to is the producers trying to move away from a residuals system, one in which writers are paid once for their work and get nothing for creating huge hits. It'll make them a whole lot more money and writers a whole lot less. And it's not just the livelihood of writers at stake; this same issue is going to come up with actors and directors as well in the near future. It's a battle for how business will be done in TV's new age, and one that will affect the entertainment that all of us consume for the foreseeable future.

*originally posted on http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/solidarity/the-wga-strike-and-the-death-of-television-322068.php

More on the death of Oink, Saul Williams, and paying $5000.00 for In Rainbows

2007-10-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

Trent Reznor and Saul Williams Discuss Their New Collaboration, Mourn OiNK

Saul and Trent.Courtesy of Cornerstone

Spoken-word and hip-hop artist Saul Williams toured with Nine Inch Nails last year, and Trent Reznor liked him so much that he decided to produce his new album. The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!, a mind-boggling fusion of genres — think NIN meets Gnarls Barkley meets Justice, if you can do so without your head exploding — will be released tomorrow through Williams's Website as a free download (or you can chip in five bucks to support Saul). The two artists spoke with Vulture by phone from L.A. this afternoon, discussing the album's genesis, the imploding record industry, and how much they paid for the new Radiohead album.

How did this collaboration come about?
Trent: I'd come across Saul through his "List of Demands" video, and it really impressed me as strong piece of work, as an aggressive rock-type track that jumped out of the television. So I checked to see if he was interested in touring with me. And it impressed me that he could go in front of an audience that probably didn't know who he was. He won the crowd over, and I watched it happen every night. I said, "Hey, if you ever want to experiment on some tracks, let's see what happens."

How would you characterize the music?
Saul: Gosh, I don't know, ghetto gothic? I guess I'd characterize it as hard-core dance. I don't know if I'd include spoken word in it, actually. It's so danceable. I have a lot to say, but I wanted to find a way to say it that didn't get in the way of me dancing my ass off.

Did you ever butt heads?
Trent: There were times when we disagreed on things, certainly, but sooner or later he'd realize that I was right. [They both laugh.]

What inspired you to go the In Rainbows route with this album?
Saul: From the start, I remember Trent saying, "Let's give it away for free." At first, I was like, "This dude is out of his mind!" But then it really started making sense, and, of course, with Radiohead doing it, we were like, "What the fuck? The idea that we had was great, and we should really follow it through."

Trent: I think it's just an awkward time right now to be a musician. The reality is that people think it's okay to steal music. There's a whole generation of people, that's all they've known. I used to buy vinyl. Today, if you do put out a record on a label, traditionally, most people are going to hear it via a leak that happens two weeks — if not two months — before it comes out. There's no real way around that. I'm truly saddened because I think music has been devalued, so that it's just a file on your computer, and it's usually free. But we can't change that. What we can do is try to offer people the best experience that we can provide them. Will it work? I don't know. But I think it's a great way to get music out to people who are interested. At the end of the day, all I care about is the integrity of the music, and that the feeling of those who experience it is as untainted as possible. I'd rather it not be on an iPod commercial. I'd rather it not be a ringtone that you have to get with a free cell phone or any of that bullshit.

Are you using this project, Trent, to test the waters for a self-released NIN record?
Trent: There isn't a Nine Inch Nails record done. I'm starting one right now. If I had one that was done, I would [release] it today in exactly the same way. I won't have one done for several months. One of the things that started this in motion with Saul was me sitting around thinking about finally getting off a major label, which I think is the right move for Nine Inch Nails. I wasn't looking to jump right back into another binding contract with a big company, and I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't advising Saul to do that in today's climate. We decided to go the route we did, and we'll see what happens.

How long do you think before the labels are out of business?
Trent: I mean, who knows? I remember a time when it felt like, being on a major label, our interests were aligned. At times, it's a pretty well-oiled machine and the luxury is that I feel like I've got a team of people who are taking care of the shit I don't want to think about. I don't care about the radio guy, I just want to make music. But those days are gone. Because, mainly, that infrastructure is broken at the moment. How long before [record companies] are irrelevant? Who knows? They seem to be doing everything they can to make sure that happens as quickly as possible.

Saul: I had already had experiences with my first album, with Rick Rubin and Sony and everything, where the company basically sat on it for two years and told me it wasn't hip-hop. So, I was also very familiar with the infrastructure, and this just made the most sense.

What do you think about OiNK being shut down?
Trent: I'll admit I had an account there and frequented it quite often. At the end of the day, what made OiNK a great place was that it was like the world's greatest record store. Pretty much anything you could ever imagine, it was there, and it was there in the format you wanted. If OiNK cost anything, I would certainly have paid, but there isn't the equivalent of that in the retail space right now. iTunes kind of feels like Sam Goody to me. I don't feel cool when I go there. I'm tired of seeing John Mayer's face pop up. I feel like I'm being hustled when I visit there, and I don't think their product is that great. DRM, low bit rate, etc. Amazon has potential, but none of them get around the issue of pre-release leaks. And that's what's such a difficult puzzle at the moment. If your favorite band in the world has a leaked record out, do you listen to it or do you not listen to it? People on those boards, they're grateful for the person that uploaded it — they're the hero. They're not stealing it because they're going to make money off of it; they're stealing it because they love the band. I'm not saying that I think OiNK is morally correct, but I do know that it existed because it filled a void of what people want.

How much did you guys pay for the new Radiohead album?
Saul: I paid $7, which is like, what, fourteen pounds? No, wait, that's like three pounds!

Trent: I bought the physical one, so I spent a whopping $80. [Pauses.] But, then I re-bought it and paid $5,000, because I really felt that I need to support the arts, so people could follow in my footsteps. [Saul laughs.] —Ben Westhoff

One Step Back

2007-10-30T11:36:00.001-07:00

***UPDATE Radiohead signed with V2, an Indie label, for a one album deal. YAAAAAYYY!!!

I suppose they have their reasons, but it's a shame they didn't go full throttle with this one. Maybe next time?

Radiohead Closing In On Deal For 'In Rainbows' CD

Poets Always Stick Their Neck Out Further

2007-10-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Saul Williams, you are my hero and worth FAR more than $5. It takes a poet to stick his neck out in this way, but you have some titans who got your back. It's fun to dance around the flames of the toppling record industry.

People, the latest edition to the ARMY is the real deal.

A talented rapper/poet releases an album produced by Trent Reznor. The combination gives me warm shivers, and from what I hear, the outcome is blessedly unique. A rare occurrence these days.

RELEASE INFO:

from El Rez-

As many of you know, I've been working closely with Saul Williams on his new record. We've spent many hours together in hotel rooms, busses, backstages and studios around the world working on something we knew was great. This is the most involved I've been with any project outside NIN since Antichrist Superstar, and I've been impatiently waiting for the chance for you to hear it.
Well... guess what?
The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust! has arrived!
After my own recent dealings with record labels we decided to release it directly to you. Head over to www.niggytardust.com for all the details. Register now and you can download the record November 1st.
Working on this project was a real pleasure. Saul was interested in breaking boundaries / crossing genres / defying expectations and we learned a great deal from one another in the process. When asked about the sound of the record, I've had to resort to "... I really don't know HOW to describe it." That's a good thing more than ever these days.

A word on the way we've chosen to release this.
There are obvious similarities in how Radiohead just released their new record and the way we've chosen to. After thinking about this way too much, I feel we've improved upon their idea in a few profound ways that benefit you, the consumer. You obviously will be the judge of this in the end. One thing that IS very different in our situation is that Saul's not the household name (yet!) that Radiohead is, and that means we need your support on this more than ever. If you like what you hear, spread the word.

I hope you enjoy the music,

TR

YEeeeeaaaAAAHhhh GO HANK!

In Music News: Articulate Smackdown- Delicious!

2007-10-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's a long read if you're ADD, but I found this article/rant to be rather engaging, entertaining, informative and generally bad ass and necessary. Lovers of music, UNITE!!!

When Pigs Fly: The Death of Oink, the Birth of Dissent, and a Brief History of Record Industry Suicide.

Seriously check it out.

Robert Ford Busts a Cap in Gangsta Pimp Jesse James*

2007-10-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

*title originated by Billy Ogawa
Blessed is the film that lives up to and then surpasses my expectations. I don't think I ask for too much; a plot, interesting dialogue, and good acting. I understand that everyone has a different opinion on what good is, but I also understand that most people have no taste. Thems the facts.

One negative review of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford compares the experience to watching a book on tape. I bet my parents' morgage that that person whined during the film that there wasn't enough action. I had two of those whiners in the theatre with me. They thankfully had the tact to leave in the middle of the film so I could stop hearing their ignorance aloud. Fine, you like thoughtless action. Peace be with you. Could you start fucking researching a film even a little bit before you go to it? If something is described as a "character study" or "exploration of..." 9 times outta 10 shit's not blowing up every 2.587 seconds. Move along. Save $10 and go to a buffet.

I LOVED this film. Can you tell? And I will fight for it's greatness, though it truly doesn't need the help. Time holds great things for this film, and everyone involved should be incredibly proud.

Andrew Dominik wrote and directed a fascinating study of fame. Who knew that a film which takes place in the late nineteenth century would turn out to be such a relevant commentary on the modern obsession with celebrity? Equally impressive is Dominik's leap in skill compared to his first film. Chopper (2000), starring a puffed up Eric Bana, is another sort of character study on fame and the presentation of truth. Bana is irrecognizable and turns in an excellent performance. The film falls short mainly on it's seemingly sporatic style shifts, but it's not too shabby for a first film. Dominik clearly grew leaps and impressive bounds with Assassination.

The direction of the film is poetic, the landscapes shot with care, the beauty and sparseness not forced but allowed to just be. Brad Pitt turns in one of the best, if not the best performance of his career. Symbolically speaking, there couldn't have been a more appropriate casting choice, in terms of the issue of fame. It's a wink of understanding the filmmakers and the audience can share; the ultimate modern icon of the cult of celebrity. Casey Affleck also exhibits all kinds of impressiveness. I've always liked him as an actor, he has a great sense of comic timing, but this performance comes seemingly out of nowhere. He really stepped up his game, and I hope there is more to follow. The only other performance of his, that I have seen, in which his acting seemed to come so naturally was Gus Van Sant's To Die For (1995).

Despite the complaints of 'no action' (if you're blind and ignore the INSANE amounts of tension in some of the scenes), this film accomplished some of the things I felt 3:10 to Yuma did not. Brad Pitt's portrayal of Jesse James is far more introspective and multidimensional than Russell Crowe's Wade, and he's not even an artist. Pitt has some moments in the film where he seems genuinely dangerous, a trait which Crowe mystifyingly failed to convey.

The supporting cast in this film is unbelievably wonderful. The James gang boys are actually given personalities and the actors eat up every line. Sam Shepard is excellent as Jesse's older brother, and should have been given more screen time. Similarly, it pains me that the women are so underused, especially Mary Louise Parker as Jesse's wife Zee, but she does well with what she's given. In fact, one of the most powerful moments in the film is a brief shot of Zee looking on in distressed horror as her husband's body is treated as a tourist attraction on ice.

The ugly beast of fame is not glossed over. The treatment of James's body post-mortem is disturbing. The re-enactments of the assassination by Ford and his brother (as Jesse) is incredibly unsettling. Ford's increasing remorse is apparent, and it's difficult to ever loathe the man. Ford's killing, though inevitable, is tragic, but the treatment of his killer is the ultimate low blow. Not only does the country rejoice at Ford's death, but the Governor pardons his killer after a large assemblage of signatures protesting the man's incarceration. The whole business is appauling. The audience, at least those of us who are engaged by the film, are left with the image of a man who was too young to understand the complex situation he thrust himself into. Ford bought into and was corrupted by his perception of fame. Then he was devoured by it.
It's not exactly the type of film you go see to lift your spirits, but if you're inclined toward cerebral stimulation, this is the type of art that should tickle your dormant fancy.

WHAT HAPPENED?: Elizabeth- The Golden Age

2007-10-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago an excellent historical drama helmed by an Indian director and starring an up and coming Australian actress crashed onto the scene and wowed the portion of the population that engages in thought. It was interesting, well acted and beautiful to look at. Elizabeth (1998) kick started Cate Blanchett's film career. I will die feeling that she was robbed at the Oscars by Gwyneth Paltrow, but nobody actually votes based solely on performance. Shekhar Kapur captured the humanity of a monarch whom to this day is considered one of the greatest and most interesting rulers in recorded history.

So...What in hell happened?

Sequels of any kind are tricky. The general rule of thumb is that film number two is supposed to be grander and more epic. Thing is, grande has a tendency to slip into ridiculous really really quickly. If Elizabeth: The Golden Age were directed by someone else, I could put my mind at ease in thinking "Well what do you expect, it's a different director." But no, it's the SAME guy, but in name only. Whatever nuance Kapur exhibited in Elizabeth, it was a one time thing.

I chose to ignore word of bad reviews, as I had been anticipating this film from its inception. Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh excited me, and Samantha Morton as Mary Queen of Scots seemed an intelligent casting choice. And of course, the return of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush was key. The cast in Golden Age is top notch, no question...at all. No complaints. Why should anyone have been concerned? There was the slight matter that Kapur had only directed one other film since the first Elizabeth, The Four Feathers (2002), which bombed disasterously and frankly destroyed all three of its stars careers: Wes Bentley- where are you?, Kate Hudson- has only been in comedies since, Heath Ledger- JUST made a comeback with Brokeback Mountain. Previous to Elizabeth, Kapur did a number of Bollywood films, but NOTHING after Elizabeth aside from the one bomb. Where is the growth? The exercise in skill? Nowhere. Clearly, the man was scrambling after Feathers tanked and figured he'd limp back to his one Hollywood glory. Good move, I say. Who wouldn't be behind that? I imagine he had no trouble convincing Blanchett and Rush to do the film again, and those are two actors who would draw other good actors. The money follows. Oh how the money clearly followed. Too much money.

Immediately the film is ridiculous, but you ignore it. We are informed of the state of Elizabeth's reign. The music is epic in a silly and boring way and it remains so throughout the ENTIRE film. One of my biggest pet peeves about music in film is when a score is played continuously during every scene without any merit or enhancement of the film. If music detracts from plot, you're an idiot. Not to mention that at times the music devolved from boring classical to almost new age Yanni. WHAT!??

The performances are fine considering the dialogue is...say it with me, ridiculous. Again, it's not immediately obvious. The screenwriters remember for a bit that Elizabeth was renowned for her wit, but the wit falls away into over dramatic statements and her charm is LOST. I couldn't help but compare this film as I watched it to the recent HBO miniseries Elizabeth I. That miniseries OWNED. The humanity they brought to the Queen was engaging, the dialogue incredibly witty and even fun. That miniseries did EVERYTHING right to this film's blistering wrongs. Clive Owen makes everything sound delicious, and it's a testament to his skill that he was able to say much of the dialogue with a straight face. Blanchett as well gets out some zingers. I love how deep her voice can get, and the theatre actress side of her comes out when she projects in anger, but the lines are so clearly proud of themselves that the emotion she musters is canceled out.

I don't know anything about King Philip of Spain, but in this film he comes off as a B-movie villain. He has this weird cripple shuffle and a little daughter who never speaks and carries around a porcelain Elizabeth doll. The characterization is baffling, and it's silliness is rivaled only by the one dimensional sinister portrayal of the Jesuit assassin orchestrating the assassination attempt on the Queen with Mary's help. If your goal is to present a Queen as a human being, you need to humanize EVERYONE around her as well. Kapur clearly took this for granted, as he did it so well in the first film, and allowed the entire cast to devolve into caricatures. While I prefer excellent scripts, I believe that a film can rise above it's horrid script through good direction. It just seems that NO ONE involved in making this film was anywhere near the top of their game.

There is so much to complain about, it's hard to keep track. The costumes. At first glance Elizabeth's gowns are amazing, but quickly detract from any sense of seriousness the film is desperately trying to hold on to. Don't get me wrong, the costume designer is clearly talented, but Elizabeth's many gowns and wigs would have been more at home in a runway show in an Elizabethan theme. Going back to the HBO miniseries, the costumes and wigs were painstakingly researched, and the realness pays off. Some of Blanchett's garb seemed more suited to a drag show, they were just that overemphasized. Her wig and armor outfit before the naval battle with Spain is just plain sad. Why would Queen Elizabeth I have a wig resembling mermaid hair?

Ultimately, Elizabeth doesn't seem human at all. There are so many shots of her in full make-up that make her look angelic in a marble statue way and Kapur has her stand still as he pans around her. There's no humanity left to cling to, she's not one of us and never was it seems. It's upsetting to me that that's the ultimate impression because she is SO human and fragile yet powerful in the first film. I am really at a loss as to why so much of the integrity of the first film was lost.The human being (1998)

Ridiculous (2007)

Before I abandon this film for dead I must share the one redeeming moment. This film is bad as bad can be, but ironically contains one of the greatest moments in acting I have ever seen. I know that sounds crazy after all that, but it's true. In a scene that doesn't even last two minutes, Samantha Morton unleashes a frenzy of emotion that exhibits a level of humanness that is absent anywhere else in the film. It is the moment when Mary Queen of Scots is informed that her plot against Elizabeth is discovered and that she is being arrested for treason. The depth and utterly interesting range of her reaction is impossible to put into words. It's so good and lacking in any cliches, that I want her to win an Oscar just so her glimpse of brilliance won't be forever buried under the pile of mess it got stuck in. The treatment of Mary's execution in the film is pathetic. Again, HBO nailed it by addressing the brutality and embarrassment of the execution gone wrong as well as fully expressing Elizabeth's horror at not only having to sanction the death of another Queen and her cousin, but having to sanction the death of a woman in the same fashion as her father killed her mother. Golden Age doesn't even MENTION that it took TWO strokes to kill Mary and that when the executioner picked up her head it fell out of its wig and rolled down the steps.

My advice, not that at this point anyone needs it, is to watch the HBO miniseries, and when this load pops up on DVD check out every scene with Samantha Morton. Better yet, illegally download it just for the one scene and then remember it as a short film and move on with your life. I was ragingly pissed after viewing this film, but my faith was restored by viewing the antithesis of it- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. I'll get to that later.

CALM AS HINDU COWS, MY ASS!

2007-10-17T15:41:00.001-07:00

MEMO:

TO: All Airport Travelers

From: Derek Loozander, Professional Roadslut, Ph.D. R.S. Harvard University

10/17/07

UPON ARRIVING AT THE TERMINAL SECURITY CHECKPOINT:

Take your shoes off.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!

TAKE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHOES OFF BITCHES!!!

Don't piss me OFF! Strip off those belts too! And get rid of those chapsticks. JESUS CHRIST, I COULD STRIP NAKED AND WRENCH THE FILLINGS OUT OF MY FUCKING TEETH BEFORE YOU PEOPLE FIGURED OUT WHAT THE FUCK SHOES ARE.

Also - No liquids, or gels. Forget joining the mile high club accompanied by KY Jelly, you're goona have to do it raw dog. BUT look on the bright side - Should you choose to do so, the airplane bathroom faucet will be so far up your tight attache-carrying corporate ass you won't even be able to feel discomfort anywhere else! Come on now, if you can get your pants down in one of those little piss cubicles I have complete faith that you will be able to get your shoes off before you even enter the terminal.

Trust me, if you're going to hijack a plane, you can almost sneak a fucking GUN on board while airport security is busy X-RAYING your BAGS for BLISTEX. But do so at your own risk, because the bottom line in traveling American Airways nowadays, regardless of what COLOR of TERROR LEVEL we happen to be experiencing at the moment (btw THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!), is simple:

AMERICANS WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

Remember the story about the guy that had a bomb in his shoe on a post 9-11 flight. Yea - the stewardess pretty much jumped into his lap and started wailing him in the face until they got him on the ground. Don't mess, motherfuckers - A FIGHT CAN ARISE AT THE DROP OF A DIME NOWADAYS - which brings me back to my original point - take your son-of-a-bitching-shoes OFF. And BELTS. And throw out your CHAPSTICKS. And KY JELLY. And it might not be a good idea to put that condom on beforehand if you're afraid you won't have enough space to unroll it later (because remember - you gotta pinch that half an inch at the top). If security catches you you're going to be the next American Idiot of the Moment.

Until then, Runaway Bride Wishes, and Diapered Ex-Astronaut Dreams everybody!

Welcome Back, Cruise

2007-10-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

Memorandum
10/15/2007
To: Tom Cruise
From: Marie Lasferatu
Re: Bring it on!

It's been awhile, but I'm ready to say it. I've missed you. It's really hard to say that, especially since I've talked alot of shit about you, but discussing you with someone whom made a really good point made me realize that you're actually NOT the anti-christ. That lady on the Comcast commercials is.

Anyone with taste can name at least five movies of yours that they like/love. At LEAST. I will name ten:

1. Interview with the Vampire (vampire! a true testament)
2. Legend (essential fantasy)
3. Magnolia (your finest hour)
4. Eyes Wide Shut (another fine hour)
5. Collateral (bad ass)
6. Far and Away (guilty pleasure-awesome)
7. Minority Report (great dark sci-fi)
8. War of the Worlds (awesome)
9. Mission Impossible I (less explosions, better plot)
10. The Last Samurai (great epic)

Fuck it. Scientology does not sound that much more convoluted than Christianity. I get annoyed when anybody discusses the importance of their religion, so why should I take it all out on you and your celebrity center? Fuck your celebrity center by the way, but that's not the point here. You are a great actor. You are, Tom, and the thing is you've been a movie star for pretty much your whole career and in people's minds anyone who stars in big budget movies all the time can't possibly be a great actor, but you are. PT Anderson KNEW this when he wrote Magnolia and fought to cast you. He did NOT create that level of performance, you have that in you. I get that, and it's awesome. Stanley Kubrick knew it too. Stanley KUBRICK, how many motherfuckers have the ability to say that they STARRED in a Kubrick film. An AWESOME Kubrick film, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Do I wish you had more performances like those on your career list? Sure, but I'm a film snob. Everyone is NOT Daniel Day-god among us-Lewis, and every film you make does NOT need to be mind cripplingly intelligent or even important. War of the Worlds is fucking entertaining, and I need that.

You have been a part of my life since I was capable of watching films. Legend is a staple among much of my generation, and though it is not one of your highest points as an actor, it is still a great 80s fantasy flick, and you should be proud, despite what vision-less critics may say. YOU and only YOU have made Lestat a reality. You are Tom fucking Cruise, not a particularly tall brunette and you seamlessly portrayed a six foot tall blonde French vampire. Brad Pitt bows to you in Interview with the Vampire, and Kirsten Dunst was never better up until Marie Antoinette just LAST YEAR. You won Anne Rice over, and despite that there are those who do not enjoy you in that role, I am saying as a former whore for the Vampire Chronicles; you gave us what will most likely be the only dignified cinematic portrayal of one of the greatest vampires born from literature.

I still think Katie and you flaunted it a little too hard, but honestly, I imagine if you tried to be undercover the media coverage would've been only slightly less. It just seemed like you were displaying a brand new shiny toy and there was something forced about it, but really how can any of us claim to know what's really what? I hope y'all is for real, I really do. But Tom, you've shown a trend of swallowing up your lady's career. It seems pretty unintentional, maybe you're just one of those guys that a woman just wants to devote all her energy to. And you know what? Katie Holmes is a shit actress, so I 'spose you're really doing her a favor. How can I fault you for that? You know what else? Thank you.

The Brooke Shields thing, you shouldn't have said that to her. I whole heartedly agree that people all over the world are being unnecessarily doped the fuck up for the slightest chemical shift, but something as severe as post-partum depression requires more than a run and extra fruit in the diet. I like to think that you understand the difference, and though your apology to Sheilds totally seemed forced, it was a decent effort, and I appreciate it. You've been really good about shying away from the paparazzi zoo shit show. Good move. Though I know you were in the midst of promoting a film, I have to tell you that it was all quite an overkill and made it impossible to sit through a film of yours. Too much of a bombardment of personal life destroys a performance. Only now am I ready to even consider watching Mission Impossible III.

However, I am more than willing to go see your upcoming films. Lions for Lambs, though potentially preachy as fuck, seems interesting. From the previews I've seen, your performance appears intriguing. Valkyrie is near the top of my list of upcoming films I'd like to see. This could be a good one for you, Tom. You'll probably only end up with an honorary Oscar four days before you die at the age of 134, but many of us already know that you're a far better actor than several past honorees (see: Halle make-me-FEeEEl-GOOood Berry).

I don't want us to fight anymore. There is a shortage of great stars around. I wish you luck with United Artists and hope you make interesting choices. Please don't produce a Michael Bay film, and please don't approve the release of a CGI film whose quality is inferior to Jurassic Park (made over a decade ago).

It feels good to get this off my chest. You've alienated alot of people, but I've realized, who fucking cares? You are T to the OM CRUISE! Bring it.

The Army Grows...

2007-10-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

Side Note: Maynard James Keenan is one of my favorite vocalists/lyricists of all time. That being said, I am really disappointed in the silliness that his solo project Puscifer has turned into. That being said, I think it's badass that he's going about it independently from any record label, and I felt that what he had to say about the whole process and current state of the industry was worth repeating and worth adding on to our growing documentation of the bubbling music revolution.

dearest supporters, street teamers, and mailing listers.

thank you for signing up to help.

re: puscifer "v is for vagina" music..

first and foremost, if you don't like what you're hearing from this project so far, don't lie about it out of respect.
if you're compelled to support it in spite of what you've heard and not appreciated, then support it because you believe in the precedent of independence i'm attempting to set.

promise me that much and then we can proceed from here.

this project for me is one part fun, one part learning experience. trying to go it alone, without a label to convolute my efforts is very terrifying, chaotic, and challenging. but all in a very positive way. many many dark corners and unknowns. it’s liberating but still pretty damn scary. this is a very very expensive education. i could very easily lose my ass on this whole thing. but it’s sort of ok. i can afford a new ass.
anyway…

lot’s of controversy flying about regarding downloading. time to throw my 2 cents in. downloading wont effect me TOO much. but it will affect those bands right on the edge. bands who could use the hundred bucks to make it to the next town to play a show (gas and food aren’t free. go figure) . or could use some cash to record a new record.( imagine that. it actually takes money to record a record.) i can afford to pay for the recording of my record. i’m one of the lucky ones. (thanks to nirvana and the label feeding frenzy, i won the early 90’s grunge lottery.) but those days are history. in order for young bands to survive nowadays, they need to get paid for their efforts. touring costs money. recording costs money. unless you’re ok with bands recording their songs on their Palm Treo. personally i went the extra mile and tried to incorporate that ancient and illusive medium known as “analog tape.” because, and i can hear the yawns welling up as i type… because it sounds better. the machines are expensive and a pain in the ass to maintain but they’re worth it. that is unless people are just gonna steal your efforts. then it’s a big fat FUCK NO, IT”S NOT WORTH IT. so don’t be douche bags. support the process.

devils advocate… it feels like the digital landscape has widened peoples appreciation of new music. it’s placed alternative forms of music in front of those who may not have been exposed otherwise. it feels like people are more excited about music than they have been in a long time. but for fuck sake… pay the man for his song and dance. otherwise the only people who can afford to record quality music are the cookie cutter boy bands with their corporate sponsors and media machines.(Dick In Box Excluded, of course) please do your best to support bands like Autolux, the Burning Brides, Isis, etc… they need you. i need you, but they need you more. having said that…
i’m doing this pretty much on my own. no label support aside from the distributor. it’s a HUGE learning curve. but if i can navigate it, i will be able to share what i’ve learned. i can make it easier for other bands that are trying to do it on their own. make it possible for us all to survive in our little microcosms rather than fall victim to the seductive song of the sirens… the expensive and impersonal macrocosm of the major label dog and pony show.
once again, thank you for your efforts.

m j keenan
professional dumbass

FREE AT LAST!

2007-10-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

08 October 2007: *originally posted on nin.com Big News

Hello everyone. I've waited a LONG time to be able to make the
following announcement: as of right now Nine Inch Nails is a totally
free agent, free of any recording contract with any label. I have
been under recording contracts for 18 years and have watched the
business radically mutate from one thing to something inherently very
different and it gives me great pleasure to be able to finally have a
direct relationship with the audience as I see fit and appropriate.
Look for some announcements in the near future regarding 2008.
Exciting times, indeed.

posted by Trent Reznor at 10:45 AM

Trent Reznor! Radiohead! Who's next!!? My money's on Jack White...he's thinkin' about it...

In Television News: What the FUCK?

2007-10-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

wow. WOW. I don't know if I should credit his intellect, but somehow Puff Daddy (or whatever the FUCK he's calling himself now) has managed to slurp up the blatant and overdramatic misogyny of mainstream rap and poop it out onto the pseudo classy pretentious face of the designer perfume industry. So now, at the rate of twice in the last half hour, I have to see that talentless diamond encrusted fuckers face fake-fucking some brunette barely legal model in a commercial clearly edited to look oh-so-independent and creative, for a perfume designed by that twat for women called.......Unforgivable Woman. Said the twat who has recently accepted paternity for his fourth or sixth child. Said the "man" who perpetually cheated on his super model wife. AAAGH!

I love men, but this kinda shit is BULLSHIT.

*The lame commercial is after his lame self-congratulatory speech

In Film News: FINALLY, a Sweeney Todd Trailer!!

2007-10-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

This film has the potential to be a balls out crazy horror musical. Burton, don't fail me now!

Danny Huston: Undercover Hot Motherfucker

2007-10-02T10:33:00.001-07:00

While watching the behind the scenes featurette of my new obsession The Proposition, I was struck with a firm realization: Danny Huston is kinda sexy. It was not him in character as the scraggly haired and bearded homicidal maniac Arthur Burns, but as himself- short curly graying hair pulled back in a little puff ponytail and graying beard with slightly crazy Jack Nicholson eyebrows and madman smile- that made me stop and go "Heeeeey, someone's been keeping a secret!" Hot guys with slightly freakish facial qualities are a plus (see also: Cillian Murphy).
I don't mean to gush like a twelve year old, but I think someone as talented as Danny Huston deserves the kudos, especially since he will never be cast as the hot romantic lead. He is a character actor, hands down. He is the tkind of character actor that regardless of the quality of the film, he will elevate its worth. Cinematic artistry is in his blood, so it's no surprise that he has such a knack for acting.

Obligatory back story:
The Hustons are without question a cinematic dynasty, and I will have done them no justice here.

Most of us are familiar with Angelica Huston. If you're drawing a blank, crawl back under your rock. The younger woman is also his sister. I think he's making fun of the smiling woman.

Angelica is Danny's older half-sister. His half-brother Tony is an Oscar winning screenwriter, and his grandfather Walter Huston is an Oscar winning actor. His father John Huston (1906-1987) was a legendary Hollywood director. Here is a quick list of films he helmed that you've probably at least heard of:

1. The Maltese Falcon 1941- starring Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor and Peter Lorre
2. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre 1948- starring Humphrey Bogart and his father Walter whom won his Oscar for the film
3. The Red Badge of Courage 1951- starring Robert Easton
4. The African Queen 1951- starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn
5. Moby Dick 1956- starring Gregory Peck
6. The Misfits 1961- Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe and Montgomery Clift
7. The Dead 1987 - swan song and family affair: adapted by son Tony Huston (won Oscar) and starring daughter Angelica Huston

You get the idea, right?

While I am familiar with many of these films, I'm ashamed to admit I haven't seen any of them.

The Point:
Danny Huston is one of those special older men who does not appear immediately hot to the untrained eye. This would certainly work in one's favor when embarking on an acting career that one actually wants to be worth something. Plus it means he most likely has an actual personality. He keeps his hotness under lock and key in most every role I have seen him in. Of his roles to this point Huston has said, "I seem to play a lot of losers." If most of Danny Huston's characters are losers, he has certainly done a good job of presenting the loser as highly multi-faceted.

1. 21 Grams 2003-

This is the first role I can remember seeing Huston in, and it certainly doesn't fit into the "loser" category, unless dying makes you a loser. His screen time is limited, but he projects a lasting sweetness as Naomi Watts' husband whom is tragically killed along with their two daughters. You understand from his brief time on screen that he was the glue holding together that drugged out whore's life. Sad. The hotness remained deep undercover.

2. Birth 2004- Cuter than Nicole

While technically he's supposed to be the asshole fiancee to Nicole Kidman's tortured widow, this is the role where the hotness sort of flagged me down. If you ignore the fact that neither person is concerned too much with the other's mindset, the sex scene is kind of hot. Ultimately the hotness went back undercover to embark on the most forced union ever.

3. The Proposition 2005-
I will spare yet another discussion of this film. Huston adds to the pantheon of homicidal yet strangely intellectual sociopaths with his delivery of outlaw Arthur Burns. While his quirkiness is inviting, the hotness is on vacation. This is one of those roles that affirms his talent and his ability to be fucking scary. The pointy eyebrows are tragically consumed by his Charles Manson hair and beard.

4. The Constant Gardener 2005-Hands down one of the best horror films I've ever seen. Real life is scary. Huston plays more of a slime ball in this one, and is TOTALLY unsexy. In fact I distinctly remember seeing this film in theaters and thinking what an absolute twat his character was, even disgusting. That's acting, biznatches. Hotness M.I.A.

5. Marie Antoinette 2006-
Hey, if emperors are losers, sign me up. Huston played Antoinette's older brother and eventual emperor of the Hungarian-Austrian empire. He has like, two scenes, which is very unfortunate because he added an interesting dynamic, and it would have been nice to see the two siblings interact more. He wore the frocks with dignity and should have been given more opportunity to flaunt it. Hotness suppressed. On a side note, Marianne Faithful plays their mother, and lord have mercy has she aged.

6. Children of Men 2006- You simply cannot be hotter than Clive Owen. Tough gig.

This is most certainly one of my favorite films of all time. It amazes me every time I watch it. Clive Owen owns, Michael Cain is awesome, and even Julianne Moore proves she must have been drugged repeatedly to make The Forgotten and NExt. Huston has one scene as Owen's snooty cousin, but his character seems interesting. He somehow managed to convince the British gov't that Art needs to be salvaged from all over the world, which is awesome, and he basically gets to live with it all. His character is a bit too high class and tightly wound. You can almost feel the uneasiness in the air, and are for a moment concerned he's going to turn on Owen, but he comes through like family should. Hotness muted by silver spoon etiquette.

Talent magnifies hotness. I hope one day a director will fully utilize Danny Huston, but it's hard to complain about the career of a good character actor. With smaller roles comes more time to work. He's so far averaging 2-3 films a year. No complaints at all. Recently he popped up in The Number 23 and The Kingdom. Um, I'll have to respectfully decline until a later date, but I am certain his performances will hold up. Soon he will prove his worth to me in the ultimate test, a role as a vampire. The two people who read my previous post "Lamenting the Loss of Interesting Vampires in Film" will remember my apprehension toward upcoming vamp flick 30 Days of Night. Huston is apparently the head vampire. SOLD. Enough to check out the flick in a semi-intoxicated state at least. I haven't scene a vamp flick on a big screen in many years, I suppose I should just give it a go. I can always lick my wounds later with a viewing of the new release of Bram Stoker's Dracula. I'm not too thrilled with the appearances of the vampires from the stills I've seen, but personality and wit can make up for alot. Alot...

Regardless of the crap outcome, Danny Huston will still remain an undercover hot motherfucker. Spread the word. This man clearly likes a good martini and a blunt.

I heart Radiohead...

2007-10-01T22:16:00.001-07:00

Radiohead tells fans to pay what they want for album

10/01/2007 11:25 AM, Reuters
Jonathan Cohen

Radiohead, one of the world's most influential rock bands, plans to sell its new album from its Web site as a digital download and let fans choose what they want to pay.

With music sales in decline globally for seven successive years, the industry is engaged in a debate over how best to reverse the trend.

Radiohead said its seventh studio album "In Rainbows" would be available from Radiohead.com from October 10 in MP3 format, meaning it can be played on all digital devices. In the latest twist in the move to digital music, fans can choose how much to pay, or can pay nothing if they prefer.

The band will also offer a special edition boxed set for 40 pounds ($82) which will be available later and will include two vinyl albums, a CD version of the new album and a second CD with additional new songs, artwork and photographs of the band.

Music observers said the British five-piece, which is no longer signed to a record label, is able to sell directly to its fans because it has such an established support base.

"They are the first band to put their money where their mouth is," Gareth Grundy, deputy editor of Q music magazine, told Reuters. "I think other bands that have been similarly successful will look and, if it is deemed to have worked, will do the same."

The traditional music business model has been under pressure as piracy and the move to digital sales has cut into album revenues. A strong area of growth, however, is live music and any subsequent tour by Radiohead would be boosted by the interest generated by the album.

"The traditional business model had been ruined by the Internet," said Grundy. "The industry is still trying to work out what on earth the new model or models should be and this is just one option."

Radiohead's digital or boxed set versions could be pre-ordered from the group's Web site from Monday and a spokesman said the box set had so far proved the more popular.

The group is planning a traditional CD release of the album in early 2008.

A decision by U.S. music star artist Prince to give his latest album away free with a British newspaper was met with fury by retailers and the industry who said it undermined the value of recorded music.

TV NEWS: Fuck You ABC.

2007-09-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

A SUPERNATURALLY BIONIC HOSTILE TAKEOVER.

by Derek Loozander

09/28/07

I was going to start this blog with a picture of a certain shitty new fall TV show, but all I could find was this GAP AD:

Oh wait, no - excuse me. At first glance I thought those were models but upon further analysis I find they are something much worse: Desperate older unknown actors embarking upon yet ANOTHER failing TV adventure. However, like gap ads these days, I'm pretty sure proceeds from this adventure are going to CHARITY.

Lets just start the numbering game NOW:

1. Kate Walsh - you are sexy. Your character WAS sexy. Unfortunately now she is not. Unfortunately now you have taken your character from her place as the mysterious and powerful embittered soon-to-be-ex-wife and put her in a new place: a SITCOM - but the only JOKE is on YOU! These new less interesting characters that surround you now are going to dismantle everything interesting about you that it took 2.5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy to establish. You were part of an ENSEMBLE. Who the hell did you sleep with to get this job? And why? I hope it was good.

2. Maybe its for the best - those GA writers seem like they're dropping ACID all over that script these days. Please - next time Meredith almost dies why don't you just kill her completely and then have Derek Shepherd have sex with her inanimate corpse in a sick posthumous Snow White kind of way, thereby reanimating her, since thats the ONLY thing she seems to LIVE FOR. "Derek why are we having sex in the morgue?" (cue force feeding of scene-destroying pretentious soundtrack here)

3. SUPERNATURAL SUPERNATURAL SUPERNATURAL! Nobody should even care about ANY OF THIS SHIT when there is a show 20x BETTER on the CW in the same time slot as GA. Alright I'm going for the picture. LADIES: Hold onto your VAGINAS:

IN YOUR McDREAMS, BITCH!

AND - they're going to be accompanied by two FEMALES this coming season. GUYS: Its your turn - Hold onto your VAGINAS:

AND THEY HAVE SPECIAL WEAPONS TRAINING - KATHERINE HEIGL, WHO?

But I digress as usual.

4. Can anybody tell me anything about Private Practice? NO - because everything you've seen so far (with the exclusion of the first episode) has to do with Gray's anatomy shit. The producers at ABC are expecting all of the fans of GA to follow like sheep over to this show so they can rake in even MORE dough!

5. Well ABC, once upon a time a few years back, after the finale of friends NBC had become a joke and you staked your claim over the airwaves. BUT - this season NBC is back, and they are about to throw you a SERIOUS BIONIC CURVEBALL.

Just push play:

Need I say more?

YEA - This fall, one way or another, ABC: YOU ARE GOING DOWN.

Eastern Promises: NOT The Godfather, ETC.

2007-09-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

I intended to be a good future film critic and critique Eastern Promises, but as I fell into my usual pattern of procrastination and let a whole week go by since the film's official release, it's seems pointless to continue on that end. Instead I shall address a recent epidemic. No, not herpes spread by pantiless talentless Hollywhores, but something far more sinister...

There has been a tragically lazy trend in mainstream film reviewing lately in which a film that can be easily categorized (i.e. western, romantic comedy, CGI action, crap etc.) is blindly compared to an epic classic. The worst offender so far is the claim that 3:10 to Yuma is "the greatest western since Unforgiven." UGH! for starters. Second, seriously? I think Unforgiven is a great western, and I know many would agree. Of course there are those who are unimpressed with the film, but for the sake of my argument I will proceed as if those people do not exist. The reason why this comparison is lazy shall be broken down in the following manner:

A. Unforgiven was released in 1992. This implies that Tombstone (1993) and Wyatt Earp (1994) are not the balls of awesome that they are. They are! Watch a clip of Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday and tell me his gentlemenly southern accent and unabashed cock-wielding manner doesn't make you feEEel gooOOOOd.

B. This also implies that 3:10 to Yuma is just the best western since Unforgiven because there pretty much were no other westerns made since 1992. False! This Western flick resurgence kicked up in 2005 with the release of THREE independent features: Down in the Valley, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and God's Gift to Me AKA The Proposition. {see also: Previous blog entry entitled "Ride It Again"} I have no problem saying this again: What those three movies possess that 3:10 to Yuma DOES NOT is a flare for capturing the sense of classic westerns but presenting it in a modern and grittier fashion. Even Down in the Valley has it's ups before devolving into crapulence.

C. Cannot say it enough THE PROPOSITION is awesome and brutal and FAR more deserving of that absurd title being draped upon 3:10 to Yuma. All that flick has that's memorable is Christian Bale's wonderous face and skillz, which are WASTED. Anyone who knows me knows I loves me my Christian Bale, and if his presence alone does not satisfy me, then there are serious issues with the film. Go see it for yourself, even Russel Crowe knows how lazy the whole project is. I don't care what he says in interviews, it's clear on screen how he feels cuz he's barely trying.

Further Observances: Compare and Contrast

The Proposition

3:10 to Yuma

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

Which one makes you drool more? If you say none, please leave.

Moving on:

Eastern Promises is being compared to The Godfather. Why would someone even do that? Clearly some dude getting paid more than he deserves hears that the film deals with the Russian mob, thinks of a famous mob flick--Oh that one Scorsese thing-- and next thing you know I have to hear how Eastern Promises is the new Godfather. Ugh. I liked Eastern Promises, especially because Viggo Mortensen turned out a career making performance, making me FORGET that he's not supposed to have a Russian accent. Name another A-List actor who can swing that at this point in their career. Daniel Day-Lewis is excluded. If you pay attention, the film is ultimately not about mobsters or a mob family or the rise of organized crime. Lazy.

Not to stray too far from the topic, but this also made me wonder about the existence of God. Because I feel that if God exists, as so many people claim, why A. Does this girl have a job? and B. Why is she allowed to be near David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortensen in any capacity whatsoever. Watch this video, and decide for yourself.

Why Don't I Have This Job?

Now witness a professional: note- Viggo looks really thin, but I I love how childlike and uncomfortable he always looks in interviews.

part 1

part 2

Worth watching.

Oh my god, what was I talking about?

Yes, yes lazy comparisons in film reviewing. Another one that tainted my soul was the statement that "300 is the most groundbreaking film since The Matrix." Groundbreaking in the sense that disguised mediocrity broke so many box office records. Look, I am a Gerard Butler fan, I am also a fan of mostly nude men, but I got BORED! 300 the preview, with the Nine Inch Nails and the little bit of talking- GENIUS. 300 with the boring left over from Gladiator score and the no acting and excess of slo-mo action- LAME.

Whoever edited this trailer deserves an award.

I really really really anticipated the release of that film, and while it's not that I expected high art, I still expected a higher level of it than I got. Sin City came off as more groundbreaking to me. I love The Matrix, and I understand that that film isn't necessarily high art, but it's awesome, and it BLEW MY MIND when it came out. Shouldn't the most groundbreaking film after the last groundbreaking film give you the same feeling of "Holy shit I just saw something new?" Yes? Too much to ask? Apparently.

I'm having trouble retaining my train of thought, but the ranting has gone on long enough. Please share any other lazy comparisons you've come across. Let us compile a list of bitter hatred. That is all.

Viggo Mortensen: Better Evil

2007-09-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to grasp if you jumped on the train around the time the Lord of the Rings trilogy rolled into town, but Viggo Mortensen languished in film limbo for-freakin-ever. He bounced around from crap after crap with a few shining moments here and there for two decades before landing the role of Aragorn in 1999. Since the trilogy’s release, it’s been great to finally see this talented individual get the recognition and film role choices he deserves. However, only recently, thanks to the twisted mind of David Cronenberg, it has become crystal clear that onscreen, Viggo Mortensen is better evil.

Look closely at all those slow motion close-ups Peter Jackson was addicted to; it’s not introspective contemplation but boredom in Viggo’s eyes.

Admit it, Aragorn is boring. After you discover his character is the half-elf lost King of Gondor and not a shady sword-wielding ranger, he’s not that interesting. The same sense of boredom is evident in Hidalgo (2004). There’s more life in his character when he’s a guilt-ridden drunken rodeo clown than when he’s America’s last hope in a giant desert race. Mortensen’s understated talent tricked millions into over-looking this boredom.

His evil really came out of the closet in A History of Violence (2005). There was the attractive family-man we were all supposed to know and love, and then out of nowhere he up and annihalates two serial killers with a gun and a pot of coffee. The true extent of his sinister flavor is revealed when, flat on his back on his own front lawn he goes from humble Midwestern man to Philly thug with one subtle facial expression, followed by an explosion of tactical violence. Pure Evil. Cronenberg clearly recognized his good fortune and had the sense to cast Mortensen as a more explicitly bad Russian mobster in his new film, Eastern Promises. I can’t even remember which film I had paid to see, but when the trailer for Promises came on I squealed with glee the moment Viggo’s tattooed body and menacing Russian accent showed up. Yes, I thought, he’s going to kill people.

This new Golden Age of Viggo Evil has plenty of presidence, but much of it was missed due to his lack of widespread recognition. Hollywood’s neglect went and forced him to become a character actor, and these are some of the treats he left in his wake:

The Indian Runner (1991)

Sean Penn exhibited tact in casting Viggo as Frank, the black sheep brother to David Morse’s upstanding lawman in his directorial debut, The Indian Runner. “Troubled” barely describes Frank as he floats back into his big brother’s life, fresh off a tour in Nam, and straight on the path to alcoholism, wife beating, theft and murder. While he is more tragic than straight up evil, he’s clearly the bad brother. The film as a whole falls short, due mainly to it’s bloated time, but it is hands down one of the best and most complex performances of Mortensen’s career. Ok, and he’s naked in it.

Carlito’s Way (1993)

While no one can take the whole picture away from Pacino, Mortensen comes close in one scene as the crippled and drug addled snitch, Lalin. Hunched meekly in a wheel chair snorting coke, with dark greasy hair, a biker mustache and Puerto Rican accent, Viggo makes no attempt to hold his head high as Lalin fails to trap Carlito with a poorly placed mic. The ultimate moment is when Lalin reveals he has to use diapers “Cuz I shit my pants everyday.” Mortensen is so deep into character, even now it’s hard to believe he’s the future hero of Middle Earth. Awesome.

The Prophecy (1995)

Before Christopher Walken figured he could make more money in comedy, he dabbled in B-movie horror. I remember something about archangel Gabriel wanting to create Hell on Earth and blah blah, whatever. But something else stuck out even more, this Charles Manson looking mo fo shows up a couple times, identifies himself as Lucifer and seems perturbed at the competition. He also ends up eating Walken’s heart. He doesn’t take a little bite like it’s filet mignon, he eats that thing like a lion tearing into a big kill. The totally unselfconscious animal noise of satisfaction makes the whole piece of crap movie worth one drunken viewing. Years later I discovered who this bad ass Satan was; Evil Viggo to the max.

He played Satan, and he played him well. Is this still the man you want rescuing your children?

G.I. Jane (1997)

Demi Moore looks crazy in G.I. Jane, but not crazier than the Master Chief who wants to tear her a new asshole. Mortensen adds on to the legacy of vein throbbing military shouters as the perpetually pissed off, seemingly chauvinistic Master Chief John James 'Jack' Urgayle. Anyone with a name that long is bound to be trouble. His peak of evil comes near the end of the film, during a final intense exercise in which the future SEALS are engaged in a capture/torture simulation. Annoyed that O’Neil has made it this far into training, and sensing the newfound respect her fellow male trainees feel for her, Urgayle very convincingly threatens to rape her in order to break the whole team. This dastardly and totally below the belt move is quickly thwarted by Moore’s freakish manliness. The film ends with O’Neil’s triumph, and Urgayle exhibits a softer side by giving her a book of poetry or some crap. Unfortunately, their implied friendship/truce kills the fun of Mortensen’s character and reminds the viewer that they just sat through a film called G.I. Jane starring Demi Moore.

In his personal life, Mortensen seems like an interesting and upstanding individual. He’s a talented artist and poet, publisher, and father. His god-like visage, though superior to mere mortals, lacks the pristine glossiness that has accompanied other Hollywood gods. Mortensen looks like he cut through a mountain with his fists. He simply is not, and will never be the hero Hollywood wanted him to be. Thank hell.

Breaking News: Trent Reznor Officially Messiah

2007-09-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Seriously folks, whatever your preconceived notions of The Rez: whether you never liked him, used to like him, kinda like him, want to bare his child etc. etc. He has made it clear that he's on the side of the people, and I am CONVINCED that he will singlehandedly revolutionize the record industry up it's ass.

Take Note: you just need to hear the first minute or so. DO IT.

FIGHT THE POWER!

Entertainment News

2007-09-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

TV ON DVD: The Meaning of Life

by Derek Loozander

09/15/07

DAVID LACHAPELLE TOOK THIS PHOTO AND IT IS TRULY BADASS

Alright people lets face it: HANDS DOWN - the greatest thing that has come out of this century thus far is TV on DVD. Go to Target and you will find all of your lazyasscouchpotato fantasies staring you right in the face - and be able to take many of them home for the oh-so-modest price of 20$ a season.

Thats right. I stumbled over there the other day to buy the new season of the greatest TV series ever (SUPERNATURAL! - Here's to the death of GRAY'S ANATOMY!) only to find that they were out - So I bought Season 3 of another great show instead; Nip/Tuck.

I started watching this show when it first premiered - but then I didn't have FX for awhile and forgot about it. When I reobtained FX illegally I started watching it again, but could never keep the time slot straight. I think it was 8pm or something - it doesn't really matter, because NOW I HAVE IT ON DVD - Oh, the DRAMA, the SEX SCENES, the QUEST TO MAINTAIN VANITY - completely OVER THE TOP. Its the stuff that dreams are made of!

I command thee, readers - GO OUT - PARTAKE OF THIS WONDERFUL NEW EXPERIENCE. It is your DUTY as LAZY fame-addled AMERICANS to IGNORE whatever is going on in the news and go out and WATCH TV. I highly recommend Nip/Tuck. Dylan Walsh is the dad you never had and Julian McMahon is the pimp that you will never be. Throw into the mix Vanessa Redgrave as a potsmoking psychiatrist grandmother, Famke Janssen as a sexy transexual, and guest spots by Anne Heche, Brooke Shields and Alanis Morisette and you have got yourself HOURS of TV watching PLEASURE!!

In Memorium

2007-09-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

If you care about music at all, you should know this man's name. And if you've ever tread through the streets of Detroit, you have no business not knowing it.

Fred "Sonic" Smith*
September 14, 1948 - November 4, 1994
Father

"If you hear it you can play it."
- Frederick D. Smith

He was a man who within himself understood the land, the sea, and the sky. He was a musician, a pilot, a golfer, a writer, a thinker, a man of many great things. While on land, he conquered the sky in pilot flight, and dreamed of sailing the sea someday. He had silent ideas of the future and knew what was to come in both the difficult and in the greatest of ways. He knew things that others only quickly passed by.

Somewhere I can only imagine he is at ease, doing all the things he dreamed of. He is both a noble pilot, in flight above us, and is a great captain, confidently sailing the waters the whole world around.

~Jesse Smith

*originally posted on pattismith.net

Meeting the Goddess

2007-09-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Having been on the verge of blowing even more money I do not have to orchestrate a trip to L.A., Carina Round did me a favor and decided to trek through the midwest. Hopping on a tour with some Scottish band who is way too generic for their own good, The Cinematics, Miss Round shimmied into the physical realm of my sad little world.

Round 1:

As a friend I can be terrible about keeping in touch, and it seemed lame as hell that I would drive about five hours to some po' li'l college town in Ohio and not pop by to visit my friend John. Though he was recently back from death's door, John ventured to travel with me to the unknown expanse of Athens, OH. I can confidently state; fuck that town. We were lost for an hour within it's walls alone and were able to catch only four songs of Carina's set, BUT I saw her. I saw her and I heard, giant near tornado perpetually dumping storm which followed us there (and back) be damned! Hands shaking as I morphed into a fourteen year-old (and because I hadn't eaten in ten hours), I snapped some proof:

I was pleased to see a group of young college girls swarm around the lady, but it was depressing to see such a minute and tame crowd at a FREE college show. Down and hermitized, it's how the midwest rolls. We must have seemed so depressing.

Round 2:

Grand Rapids, MI. Bane of my existence. Last show I saw there ended in Trent Reznor getting an unidentified object thrown smack at his face, which resulted in the prompt throw down of his keyboard and an abrupt end to "Hurt". Drunken motherfuckers ruin all! I expected trouble at full volume as my mother and I headed out on a considerably shorter trek than John and I had battled through.

Thank tha LORD things went well. Miss Carina played a solo acoustic set at a little record store called Vertigo Records in the early eve. There were four of us there to watch, but my god her voice was like angel wings gently brushing our faces. So many people missed out on true magic.

Round 3:

About two hours after the record store show/ second coming (I always figured everyone would miss that anyway) the main event began. A local band called The Mines opened. Terribly generic as well, in fact the singer had the SAME EXACT haircut as The Cinematics' singer, it was appallingly pathetic to behold. Carina looked extra unique sandwiched between the two most unoriginal bands to emerge since other unoriginal bands previous not even worth mentioning.

As I had predicted, Carina Round bitch smacked the band she was opening for beyond recovery. Well, maybe not for the fans who specifically came to see The Cinematics, but mi madre and I didn't even bother to stick around. John and I caught a few songs of their set in Athens, and despite the fact that we'd driven all that way, it was just BORING after the fire of "The Round". I told my mother that if we stayed for The Cinematics it would just make her angry.

Post show Carina and my mother had a moment. The kind of moment only people with social skills can share with artists. It was adorable to behold. My two favorite women in the world embraced, and all was good in the world. I left pleased and several dollars lighter, but I know exactly who's pocket they went into, and that's a really great feeling.

Look for CARINA ROUND everywhere, all the time.

*about a minute and a half of Stolen Car acoustic version (stupid low battery!)

In Very Important Music News...

2007-09-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Less than three weeks bitches: SEPTEMBER 25TH WHITE CHALK

I get the sneaking suspicion that Polly Jean Harvey used her black magic telepathy to eavesdrop on our perpetual bitching about the sad lazy state of Tori Amos' career, sat back and thought:

"Awl wriGHT then, Aye can play the Bluh'EY PEEahNO!"

More glorious sneak peaks from the mouth of the lady:

The Devil-live

When Under Ether-live

The Mountain-live

Bitter Little Bird- live

In film news...

2007-08-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Todd Haynes unleashes more genius:

I love it when actors act and directors bother to be creative. Fall is going to be an excellent time for film...I hope.

In Film News...

2007-08-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

YEEESSSS!!!!

but first...

Tim Burton's remake of Planet of the Apes (2001) is a tragedy. Big Fish (2003) was good, but as time passes I am less and less impressed (except with Helena Bonham Carter, I love her as the witch). Similarly, as time has passed I have begun to loathe Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005). What a waste of two great talents. And Corpse Bride (2005), I forced myself to love it, but it's just not that good. The fact of the matter is, Sleepy Hollow (1999) was the last true Tim Burton film. Where is the director that stole my child soul with Beetlejuice in 1988?

I think, quite possible, that he's back:

Never Forget. Never Forgive. Ooooooo, I just peed a little. One can never truly tell, but Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street looks Tim Burton as hell! I could give two shits about the Broadway musical (I honestly don't know a thing about it), I just wanna see Burtonesque sets and Johnny Depp's ass acting adult and murderous! And I don't think I'm alone on this, as it seems Sweeney Todd was one of the most anticipated films at this year's ComicCon...apart from The Dark Knight of course, but who can beat that train?

Synopsis: (stolen from IMDB cuz I'm lazy)
Based on the 19th century legend of Sweeney Todd and the hit Broadway musical with music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney Todd a.k.a Benjamin Barker returns to London after being sent away by Judge Turpin with the help of a sailor, Anthony Hope. He opens a barber shop above Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Shop were she sells "the worst pies in London." With the help of Mrs. Lovett, Todd tries to rid of all the people who have ever done him wrong and hopes to be reunited with his daughter, Joanna, who is now Judge Turpin's ward.

All you really need to hear is that you'll be watching Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter interact on screen for most of the film.

There is apparently a limited release date for December 21. If God knows what's right, it'll be in my area, and if it is, y'all know what I'm doin' for my birthday. Otherwise, we inexplicably have to wait until January 11, 2008. I hope this signifies a new age of Burton, and I hope Jack Sparrow is dead. Sorry, but I'm sick of how much those movies suck overall. Depp should not be sleep walking his genius around.

The Power of the Penus

2007-08-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

This clip is just too much. lol (pay attention to the look on the lady's face on the left throughout this their 'discussion')

uknowha'Imean?

2007-08-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

A BRIEF BOOK REVIEW FULL OF RUN-ON SENTENCES, CORRUPT SEXUAL CLICHES, AND VIRTUALLY NO POINT.

by Derek Loozander

08/18/07

Harry Potter Wants You To Open Up

So I finally caught up with the runaway train that was the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows book release. Now I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it is pretty disaffecting that 25 year old adults such as myself get wrapped up in kids books about magic - even though they ARE awesome, even though getting people to read is a wonderful thing and no other series of books has taken the world by storm in such a manner as these - I do agree with you, at least, until I finish the book anyway...

See the thing is, what made me love these tales, these stories that have already become a deep part of our culture and will be read by our children and our children's children (and nobody else because after that our society will start looking like the society in the movie Children of Men and nobody will be able to have children anymore), were the characters. Its the same thing that make me love any book, movie, or TV show that I happen to get wrapped up in at the moment (which, btw, anybody seen HEROES? - special clip-episode to air this Monday, bitches - as the great Fergie-Ferg once said, "check it out."). This is the reason that when somebody bought me the first Harry Potter book as a gift to read while I was laid up with a broken foot one summer, it just reinforced my hatred of what has come to be known as "Pottermania."

Again don't get me wrong, I thought it was a good book - a great book even, FOR KIDS. But the particular kind of storywhore that I am craves a character a bit more complex than an 11 year old. A person's character is the ultimate tale of themselves, and therefore, to me, is the ultimate form of story, and as I have said many times, I love a good story. This occurred to me about 400 pages into the new Harry Potter novel, as I put the book down in boredom, questioning what made this book so much different from the other books and thinking, "when the HELL are Ron and Hermione goona DO IT?!" since this has been an evident destiny to me ever since I began the Harry Potter series - It was then that I realized the thing that bored me about The Deathly Hollows; nothing happens in regards to the character drama that was so prominent in the other four books I've read until about page 407...

Again, let me explain; the thing that got me into these books was the characters, so when I decided I would give this "beloved children's tale" rubbish another go, I started with the third installment, the installment most of the people I know started with, The Prisoner of Azkaban, or, as we like to refer to it, Escape From Azkaban. In the third installment, the kids are thirteen years old, so I could appreciate their characters a little more than I did in the first installment, and, having followed these characters through three and a half other adventures, I now want to go back and read the first two installments (for the first time) since there have been a ton of throwbacks and references to those books. As far as The Deathly Hollows goes, I don't know, I haven't finished it yet and my final verdict is not in. So what the hell is the point of this book review?

Basically - even if the mere mention of his name pisses you off these days, give Harry another go, I did, and I remembered today that it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. Its really a lot more than just a silly kid's book.

Breaking News

2007-08-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

...SIT ON MY FACE!!!

"When Under Ether, the new single from PJ Harvey, will be released on September 17th 2007 by Island Records.

The first single to be taken from PJ Harvey’s much anticipated eighth studio album, White Chalk, When Under Ether will be released on download and vinyl 7”. The b-side is previously unreleased and unavailable track Wait, one of the first songs ever recorded by Harvey in 1988."

OOOoohhhhhh yeeeeaaaHHHHHH!

FREE WINONA

2007-08-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

MEMORANDUM

08/15/07

TO: Winona Ryder

FROM: Derek Loozander

RE: Bring It On!

Oh Winona, My Sharona....

A most unique rise to fame, yours began with such dark and respectably offbeat choices as Heathers, Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, and Dracula, only to progress onward to be peppered with more casual, but still atypical female roles in movies like Mermaids, and Little Women. It was by the mid-90s that your career had clearly achieved a notorious cult status.

This notoriety was clearly not put to waste either, as you led a generation into social combat with your oh-so-famous Reality Bites graduation speech, claiming, ever so nonchalantly, that the answer to all of the world's problems was simply, "I don't know." It may have been exactly then, in that GENX famous moment, that an entire league of people your age felt, for the first time ever, that it was okay - that they had the power to stand up and say to their parents, "You totally just FUCKED us all, thank you very much."

During this time, in case you were not aware, you systematically rose above all other talented actresses of your age, and mind you there were many, from famous families even - Bridget Fonda, Gwyneth Paltrow, and yes, even Drew Barrymore to name a few, to become an icon. Yes. ICON. For you were not the girl next door, but you were also not the party girl. Not the good girl, but not exactly the bad girl either. Definitely not silly, but also not plain. And yet despite being none of these girls, in a way, somehow, you were a little of them all. You were yourself, in a time when this was the most important thing you could be.

In a time of political correctiveness, when the appropriateness of certain gender roles came into question, you set an example. You were never anybody's wife, but it was not because you were at a loss of alternatives and you were obviously powerful, but never in a way that was threatening or unattractive. You shot straight into outer space, making girls in other galaxies covet your haircut.

But then there was a breakup, the loss of a good friend, and alas, scandal. And although these forces have worked their fingers into virtually every Hollywood legacy, they worked them a little too deeply into yours, but trust me when I say that it doesn't have to be the end. You still have a respectable career. PLEASE stop playing cameos and bit parts - the world wants to see you! We want to see your skill; the soft kill of your lovely two and only brown eyes. We want to see your grace, and your face - a face untouched by age! We want to see the girl who was there while we were all growing up - the girl we love - GET UP! DO SOMETHING NOW!!

Keira Knightley is vastly approaching....

"Gays Too Precious to Risk in Combat", Says General

2007-08-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

Elderly, Florida man experiences death of his inner child; Friends say he refuses to play Canasta.

2007-08-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

A rare disease, Sudden Inner Child Death Syndrome (SICDS), appears to be responsible for the death of an elderly man’s zest for life. The victim has been a Shady Pines resident for the past 10 years; Tommy, now prefers to be called Thomas. Friends began to notice changes in his behavior weeks ago when he stopped making fart jokes and began quoting “CSPAN”.

“It was like all of a sudden he lost his sense of humor and ability to fart on command at once! We knew something was not right” said one former friend.

Thomas was one of the events coordinator for the retirement home made famous by the hit show “Golden Girls”.

“We haven’t received this much publicity since Sofia Patrillo became a temporary resident against her will” said Shady Pines founder, Bert Johnson. “As soon as the residents brought it to our attention, we called his Doctor and Therapist to see what was wrong.”

Leading SICDS expert, Dr. Imas Ico gives us some insight: “Most people misdiagnose SICDS as a form of dementia, but careful psychological testing often reveals that the cognitive functions are fully intact, in fact more so than average. Some differences can be measured in higher level tests, when you compare them to the general population. As you can see from the charts I have provided there is a tendency to be drawn to a more conservative political stance and patients usually present with a decreased sense of humor, or the humor found on FOX News or Newt Gingrich”.

When asked what may be the leading cause of the disease, Dr. Ico cites excessive Canasta playing mixed with fart jokes and inappropriate sexual innuendos.

“There appears to be a short circuit response from the excessive use of the area in the brain responsible for keeping the Inner Child alive, coincidentally the same part of the brain that is required to play Canasta, fart, make jokes, and laugh inappropriately.”

For now there is no cure, but most victims don’t seem to mind anyway. When asked how he felt about SICDS, Thomas simply stated “Go to hell. You're interrupting my show!”

The show Thomas was watching? The 700 Club.

Research is underway to further explore this heartbreaking disease.

Ride it Again

2007-08-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

Two New Westerns you probably missed because A. You hate old westerns and/or B. You need to start paying more attention to your surroundings. How many times do your mother and I need to tell you...

On second viewing the realization hits- The Proposition (2005) is a masterpiece. I was loving every second more than I remembered on the first time through. I love movies that hit me like that, always better on each go around.

In short, two outlaws are captured by a lawman. They turn out to be two of the three notorious Burns brothers, wanted in connection with the brutal massacre of a British family. Charlie Burns, played by the amazing Guy Pearce, receives a difficult proposition from the Captain- he has 9 days to find and kill his eldest brother Arthur (he's the crazy violent one) or his youngest (and virtually useless) brother Mikey will be hanged. Throw in the turmoil of race slaughter and general immorality, and its on.

The Western film genre is on the rise again. Edward Norton's Down in the Valley (2005), sadly, made it clear that the genre should definitely still stick with the late 1800 time period. Nick Cave (genuine whiskey-rock crooner, does film's soundtrack as well, extra cool points for landing P.J. Harvey and having the sense to duet with her) understood this, but he understood it in a way that is far more creative than any other new western that I'm sure will be pooped out of Hollywood in the next 2-3 years. Cave understood that environment is just as important as bad ass shoot outs, and virtually lawless 19th century colonial Australia is a refreshingly new backdrop, though not utterly unlike the Western scenery of old. Clint Eastwood wishes he had to deal with dark skinned natives throwing spears through his chest. The violence is extreme, but absolutely fitting, and no one gets to carry the virtue stick, not even the pretty English wifey (played in usual broken-woman* fashion by Emily Watson.) The visuals of the film are enhanced by director John Hillcoat. I have NO idea who he is, but he and Cave are working on another film together, so hurray!

It is worth noting that Nick Cave also managed to write one of the best ending scenes in a film ever. "What are you going to do now?" YES! Watch it, and you'll know. Gloomy Australian balladeers need to write more films.

Which brings me to another great new Western of sorts: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005). Apparently 2005 was the year of awesome. Not only did Nick Cave up and write an excellent Australian period piece, but Tommy Lee Jones went and proved himself a high class director. Not to mention that he can still act better than anyone, he just has to be allowed.

A rancher named Pete struggles to uncover the mystery around his friend's death, and keep a promise he made to him about his final resting place. Written by Guillermo Arriaga, scribe of Amores perros (2000), 21 Grams (2003) and Babel (2006), the film retains the grittiness of the three aforementioned films, as well as the out of order narrative style he seems to prefer. But Tommy Lee Jones is also largely responsible for maintaining the grit. His squint alone provides enough grit to last a lifetime. This is before the good casting comes in. Most notable apart from Jones, is Barry Pepper, whose blonde Canadian hot ass is abused for most of the film. He stumbles well, and accomplishes what a good actor should- he artfully makes the viewer feel compassion for a despicable human being. Well, despicable may be harsh, considering he does feel bad about killing a man, but he's all shoot first- figure out what you're shooting at later. Without redemption, he's a midwest hick, which is just plain unforgivable.

Three Burials actually disproves my belief that Westerns should remain in the 19th century, though period pieces are just plain awesome. The film also has a similarly awesome ending as The Proposition- "Hey! You gonna be alright?" God love it! Really the bottom line is Nick Cave should write a movie that Tommy Lee Jones directs and stars in.

*stolen from Billy

___________________on a side, though not totally random note:

Guy Pearce is the greatest stealth actor around. His magnificence lies in his ability to vanish within each role, as a good actor should, but his true genius lies in the fact that he doesn't stand out from the rest of the cast. He spreads his skill around. That's why, as you read this, you can maybe only think of one other Guy Pearce movie, but you've actually seen, like, twelve.

Top 5 Guy Pearce movies I love, and everyone must see:

1. A Slipping Down Life (1999)
2. The Proposition (2005)
3. Memento (2000)
4. L.A. Confidential (1997)
5. Ravenous (1999)

He is excellent as Andy Warhol in Factory Girl, but the movie just isn't. And I'm curious about his portrayal of Harry Houdini in the upcoming Death Defying Acts, though knowing what I know about Houdini, I am bothered that they apparently couldn't find anything interesting about Houdini's actual life so they made up an affair with a psychic (a type of person Houdini would have personally skinned alive), but what do you do? It's the price we pay to see Guy Pearce get it on with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Summer Reading

2007-08-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

Fuck

There are people who will tell you
that using the word fuck in a poem
indicates a serious lapse
of taste, or imagination,

or both. It's vulgar,
indecorous, an obscenity
that crashes down like an anvil
falling through a skylight

to land on a restaurant table,
on the white linen, the cut-glass vase of lilacs.
But if you were sitting
over coffee when the metal

hit your saucer like a missile,
wouldn't that be the first thing
you'd say? Wouldn't you leap back
shouting, or at least thinking it,

over and over, bell-note riotously clanging
in the church of your brain
while the solicitous waiter
led you away, wouldn't you prop

your shaking elbows on the bar
and order your first drink in months,
telling yourself you were lucky
to be alive? And if you wouldn't

say anything but Mercy or Oh my
or Land sakes, well then
I don't want to know you anyway
and I don't give a fuck what you think

of my poem. The world is divided
into those whose opinions matter
and those who will never have
a clue, and if you knew

which one you were I could talk
to you, and tell you that sometimes
there's only one word that means
what you need it to mean, the way

there's only one person
when you first fall in love,
or one infant's cry that calls forth
the burning milk, one name

that you pray to when prayer
is what's left to you. I'm saying
in the beginning was the word
and it was good, it meant one human

entering another and it's still
what I love, the word made
flesh. Fuck me, I say to the one
whose lovely body I want close,

and as we fuck I know it's holy,
a psalm, a hymn, a hammer
ringing down on an anvil
forging a whole new world.

-Kim Addonizio

BREAKING NEWS

2007-08-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

HELLO KITTY!

by Derek Loozander

08/12/07

Did you see THIS?

Police Officials in Bangkok Thailand announced last week that officers caught committing small misdemeanors will be forced to wear a pink armband emblazoned with the "Hello Kitty" characters. One police official explained that the old system, which forced deviant officers to wear a plaid armband, did not create enough shame, as the officers began collecting the plaid armbands as souvenirs, and that if the Hello Kitty system is a success, officers who are repeat offenders will be punished by having to wear this as part of their uniform:

Sometimes sun shines...

2007-08-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Anytime a group of people are couped up in space, you know some shit's gonna go down. Aliens are the least of anyone's problem when deteriorating human psyches are involved. Throw in a hot Irish actor, an excellent and only partially known cast, amazing visuals, and you've got yourself a new Danny Boyle film.

28 Days Later was the beginning of a beautiful working relationship between director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, The Beach), writer Alex Garland (28 Days Later) and actor Cillian Murphy (Breakfast on Pluto, Red Eye). Their newest offering, Sunshine, is what Event Horizon (1997) wanted to be- an epic, well acted, slightly psychotic space showdown between men of science and men of religion. I can't stress enough how awesomely visual this film is. It needs to be seen in a theatre to be fully appreciated. It looks expensive, but it doesn't look polished, which is a huge plus. I couldn't help but focus on the fact that actress Rose Byrne has no make-up on. Bless her, she looked perfect. It reminded me of Sigourney Weaver in Alien, how she was sans lipgloss and eyeliner the entire time and looked better for it. I love that. Learn Hollywood, learn!

However, makeup-less women is not what the film is about. In the not too distant future, the sun is dying and Earth is locked in a solar winter. Please spare me any scientific reasonings as to why this is impossible during man's existence (because Star Wars and the Aliens flicks are flawless in their scientific accuracy). Eight astronauts are en route to the sun with a giant bomb (the payload) meant to be detonated inside the sun to create a new star within a star, and get Earth cookin' again. The Icarus II is the last hope for mankind, Icarus I having vanished seven years prior. Cue mechanical failure and ghostly distress signal, shake well and let the fun begin.

I was told prior to watching the film that the scene where the character named Kaneda is asked "What do you see?" is amazing, and it was, so I pass that down to you as incentive. There were several shots throughout the film that left me with a wowed feeling. It's what happens when talented people make films. For anyone interested in good films, I have to insist that you see this one. If you don't I will never ever talk to you again, but if you do, I'll be your best friend, the best friend you ever had.

No, not really, but in all seriousness Danny Boyle still gots it. This film is being grossly under-promoted and is in limited release, so make it count.

In Other News

2007-08-08T18:46:00.000-07:00

Official End of Summer Product: BLEACH!!!

It's been around forever, and really never fails to accomplish the task you set out for. Nothing compares to the sin absorbing powers of bleach!

Bathroom mold invading your pristine white tiles? Bleach!
Disgusting stains in your kitchen sink? Bleach!
Questionable stains on your bedroom sheets? Bleach!
Even more questionable stains on your cotton grandma panties? Bleach!
Wanna have lingering dizzy spells after 24 hours? Bleach!
Need to kill your best friend/worst enemy Heather and you're fresh out of Drainol? Bleach!

Never fails, available everywhere. Breathe in that sweet lung dissolving relief: BLEACH*

*Now available in child-deceiving fragrances.

Bring the Bats Back to the Tower

2007-08-07T20:19:00.001-07:00

Lamenting the Loss of Interesting Vampires in Film

Back in my imaginary play days, executing a perfect vampire snarl was important. One evening was particularly triumphant when down in my friend’s basement (our headquarters of method acting from the ages of 5-13) I managed to frighten her little sister bad enough to snap her out of character. Your teeth, she told me. You really look like a vampire. Hell yes. It was the stuff of big black cobweb dreams.

Maybe it’s because I’m descended from Transylvanian dwellers, but I cannot remember ever not being obsessed with vampires. My dedication over the last two decades have led through some pretty sweet ups, but mostly shame spiraling lows. If there’s one thing an undeadophile learns over the years, it’s that mainstream culture and even subculture doesn’t actually understand what’s cool about vampires.

The most blazingly horrific example of this misperception is evident in film. The last great vampire film, in my opinion, was Interview with the Vampire (1994). The last sweet vampire film was the first Blade (1998). I don’t have any issues with Kate Beckinsale personally, but the Underworld (2003, 2006) flicks blow. Only guys like those movies, and it has nothing to do with the actual vampires. I can’t remember what happened in John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) and Van Helsing (2004) was the saddest example of 21^st Century CGI I’d seen up to that point, not to mention Kate Beckinsale embarrassed herself again with her sesame street Romanian accent. I actually own Dracula 2000 (2000). It entertains me to no end; Gerard Butler is a hot Scottish bastard, and it contains one of the funniest sex scenes I have ever seen, but the film is, well, a flick.

In terms of literature, I totally bought into the Vampire Chronicles, but I am well aware that Anne Rice missed her shit plenty of times. At her best, though, she created some of the most interesting immortals to hit the streets. It’s her fault that I expect a certain amount of depth from vampires, but Hollywood’s only concern is how high a bloodsucker can kick in latex. Hollywood’s startling lack of imagination is evident in several film genres, but when it comes to vampires they have totally crapped out on ideas. Vampires in leather and latex were cool, for two movies, but now it is mind numbingly boring. Why would an immortal choose to wear two of the most uncomfortable materials in creation (aside from polyester and 100% wool)? And don’t get me started on vampires using guns, though this isn’t as annoying as female vampires being delegated to plummeting neck lines and stilettos (stilettos are an affliction affecting many action heroines of the last five years or so, but that’s a whole other complaint).

Any sense of artistic purpose has long since fled from vampire cinema. I’m not really sure where it went, but I am sure it has to do with the fact that in this day and age when things are scientifically explained away, vampires are not taken seriously, and when a subject is dismissed like that, no one takes the care to present it with any real style. With the movie industry’s penchant for book adaptations and remakes, I’d even be grateful for another version of Dracula.
Scratch that, Gary Oldman needs to play another vampire. Yes! Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) is rife with issues, but not all of the casting is bad, and there are some amazing visuals. Stunning visuals are key in vampire films (see also: Interview with the Vampire). One of my favorite scenes ever in all of horror cinema takes place near the end of the film when Dracula is in bat-like form. He is confronted by Van Helsing and the other men, crucifix in his face: “Look what your God has done to me,” he utters before stomping his foot and sending the cross into flames. The Count then backs up into a closet and into the darkness where only the red of his eyes are visible. When he steps back out, the shape of his form is evident, but there are only rats. He opens his arms, and then the rats all drop to the floor and flee the room.

The Good Old Days:

Coppola’s adaptation is hands down far more amusing than the actual book. Stoker cannot write, and his one famous book is only good for one read. Pumping it up with nipples and a werewolf raping a half-conscious redhead is just something you have to do to get things snapping. But really, it’s Oldman who captains that ship. His Romanian is flawless, his sinister cackle inimitable, and his chameleon-like switch from old Count to young is mind blowing. Which brings me to one of my main points, vampires should be played by talented actors. Hell, playing a vampire can make an actor better. Lestat is one of the few times Tom Cruise ever disappeared into a role, and it made the world a better place. I’ve never longed for Tom Cruise more than when I sat through the heart piercingly awful adaptation of Queen of the Damned (2002). As far as I’m concerned Aaliyah made one film (Romeo Must Die, 2000). How a group of people could take arguably one of the best books in the Vampire Chronicles and turn it into a holocaust of poor decision-making is beyond me. Interview is a shining example of an adaptation gone good, and if Tom Cruise can put on a blonde wig what the hell is Stuart who-the-hell-are-you Townsend’s excuse? It’s not about being painstakingly accurate, it’s about paying attention to facts such as: Lestat having blonde hair is perhaps one of the character’s most defining characteristics. Gary Oldman wouldn’t even need a wig, he would just will his hair blonde.

Further Example of Talented Actor as Vampire: Klaus Kinski in Herzog's "Nosferatu the Vampyre"

But back to film, and the interesting vampires NOT showing up. Currently there are two upcoming vampire flicks I am tracking, as yet undecided as to whether I can stomach seeing either in theatres. In December the Will Smith vehicle, I Am Legend will arrive. Having not actually read the 1954 novel, I cannot yet comment on how much it’s been destroyed, but the use of computer effects in the preview scares me. Can Smith be as funny as Charleton Heston was in Omega Man, 1971 (a half-assed adaptation)? Can he be better? I can only pray the appearance of the undead is not too embarrassing. Also on the way is 30 Days of Night, a comic book adaptation set for release in October. While the comic book mini series sounds interesting, the film stars Josh Hartnett, so…what it all comes down to is, I’ll probably end up reading more vampire lit than watching a new vampire flick in the upcoming year. Perhaps animation is a better home for vampires at this time.

Someone give me a film crew, a handful of good actors, dentures and fake blood. I could rock your world.

She's the One: Why Carina Round Should Own You

2007-08-07T18:48:00.001-07:00

The best musical discoveries are accidents. You catch a song on the radio one morning, and the rest of the day it’s all you can think about. Or perhaps by some horrific chance you are forced to watch MTV for longer than .234 seconds and you see something you actually enjoy and must know where you can find more. Or better yet, you’re flipping through the used CD bin at one of the last great record stores in the state and you see an album cover that speaks to you. Now, it’s quite rare these days that any album cover is worth looking at for longer than it takes to read the title, but now and then some kind of magic does happen.

In this last great record store, you happen upon a disc that is consumed by a woman’s face. She is at first a seemingly standard looking pale and curly haired songstress, but something about the way she’s looking at you through the cheap plastic of the CD case hooks you and stills your rapid-fire hand. Her defiant yet calm expression directs your eyes to her name, Carina Round. Because in the past you have purchased unknown discs on a whim and been sorely disappointed, you lose your nerve a moment and slip her album back into oblivion. But as you do this, a sticker with a glowing review stays your hand: “The best album of the year, hands down.” Well, your brain tells you, how bad could it possibly be? Discovering Carina Round, one of the best secrets around, only cost me $4.99.

Because musical tastes are varied, I may not sway some by merely stating that Round’s sound is simply awesome. In general, lazy journalists compare her to PJ Harvey, which is code for “awesome guitar-based rock female vocalist.” If I had to hold someone’s hand and compare this particular songstress, I’d say she leans more toward the Patti Smith end of the spectrum, with a healthy dash of Jeff Buckley and bad assness.

The more I hear and the more I read about this woman, it is clear that she’s just a badass bitch. But none of y’all know it. Normally, I’m all for being a pretentious, secretive music snob, but when I hear that this woman is hand-making CDs and selling them on Ebay so she can get her guitar fixed despite the fact that she is signed to a major label (a certain label who delayed her third album for over a year without cause), it is clear that it would be beneficial to her creativity if a healthy amount of musically inclined folks were clued in. One thing is clear; Carina Round’s record company has no idea what to do with her. Alleged singles have come and gone with nary a radio debut or three song promo. She has in some measure or another unleashed several videos for songs on her new record, but only on her myspace page. Such goodies are fantastic for die-hard fans like me, but it’s hardly conducive to an artist trying to make herself known in the world to people who aren’t actively looking.

This is me clueing you in. If you enjoy talent, you will enjoy Carina Round. You don’t need a bio, you need album titles. I would recommend starting with her second album The DisconnectionFirst Blood Mystery (2001), is also wonderful, but hardly a carbon copy (talented people tend to do that, make albums that sound different). (2004). This is the album I was lucky enough to stumble upon. I feel it is a good representation of her true sound. Her first album, It’s a bit more stripped down, and the content is not unlike witnessing a person with their chest sliced open and quite willingly allowing everyone to stare. It’s a difficult introduction, but once you dive in it’s pure bliss. The Disconnection, while maintaining her radiantly intelligent and poetic writing style, exhibits more optimism and more rock n’ roll. Make no mistake, Carina Round can rock out. Her recently released and no less enjoyable album Slow Motion Addict (2007) ups the squeal factor, which is a plus. I have recently begun to believe that she secretly listens to death metal, which is awesome. It is difficult, however, to get over the fact that Glen Ballard, of Alanis Morissette- Jagged Little Pill fame, co-produced this new endeavor. While I do not feel that he obviously altered Round’s style, I can’t shake the feeling that she would have left things a lot less smooth. It’s hard not to picture the one company meeting where they actually took the time to give a shit about her, and some Simple Life watching leech suggested they get the one producer who can make women marketable. But Slow Motion Addict ain’t no top 40 record, and ultimately, if her success keeps mounting as steadily as it has been Addict will be many a person’s actual introduction to this wonderful Brit. Hell, it’s probably the only album you can physically find at the record store at this point.

I haven’t had the pleasure yet, but I would bet my life that seeing Carina Round live would be the ultimate introduction, and I greatly envy all those Los Angeles residents who have had her all to themselves for the past year or so. Now it seems that they will have to share, as she is embarking on a semi-national tour with The Cinematics (they’re Scottish!). Carina Round on the road will be unstoppable, she will outshine the bands/performers she opens for because she is true fire and release on stage. Youtube her, Google her, whatever. If you don’t agree with me, you are dead inside. Sorry to be the first one to tell you.

Trust me: (note: this blog hates me and I can't remove the duplicate video)

IN OTHER NEWS

2007-08-05T14:00:00.001-07:00

SCHOOLS USE NEW TACTICS FOR SEX EDUCATION

by Derek Loozander

08.05.07

EVERYWHERE, USA. Disappointed by their students' superior knowledge of sexuality, public school officials across the nation have again begun to promote abstinence in their campaigns for sexual awareness. Like campaigns of the past, the new campaigns WILL utilize fear to instill (brainwash) traditional presbyterian values within the minds of America's youth, however, instead of simply warning students, educators effectively intend to frighten them to near-death by showing them the following picture:

BREAKING NEWS

2007-08-05T12:32:00.001-07:00

ODE TO THE AMPUTEE

by Derek Loozander

08.05.07

Legless woman with messy hair excitedly departs a bad relationship.

EVERYWHERE, USA. So for those of you non-adventureseome white trash losers out there (in the midwest) who don't know, moving to a new city is like dumping somebody.

Sometimes you're overjoyed. Sometimes your significant other has bound you within their CHAINS for far too long and you've been FANTASIZING about the day when you finally succeed in GNAWING through that last hunk of FLESH - that last bundle of tendons - until you finally sever your own ARM and break FREE. Ahh, the joys of roaming the earth as an AMPUTEE - free to drip BLOOD out of your STUMP upon whatever land YOU CHOOSE! 'Tis beautiful - like a FUCKING GREEK PLAY...

CHORUS: Rejoice!

Then you get to your new place, and its everything you dreamed of.......until you settle. All of a sudden things that intrigued you start getting old, and then irritating. You start to question if its just you, but it doesn't really matter, because even if it is you're still uncomfortable. I swear, stagnancy is the downfall of our species. Look at our age-old mating habits. Look at our ripple-less gene pool. Look at Britney Spears. After a few years you get the itch to gnaw off that other arm and before you know it its done; you're roaming the earth again as a torso with legs and a head (and crazy hair that you can no longer pick up a brush to comb)...

CHORUS: Rejoice!

Now, should you even make it to another place your ever-increasingly neurotic and cynical ass must ask of itself some questions:

Who wants a torso with legs and a head and crazy hair?
If somebody does, what might you chew off to get away from this person?
How will you get to the next shitty relationship when you only have one leg?

Well, I don't know about y'all, but I am an OPTIMIST; where there's a WILL there is a fucking WAY, GOD DAMN IT! And God Forbid anybody should DARE block that path because I will KICK THEIR ASS with my FUCKING TONGUE if thats all I have LEFT!

Sometimes though, after moving/dumping, you're not overjoyed, because at a certain point you start to realize that after much more moving there will be nothing left of you. That no place is perfect. That each place you've lived hasn't necessarily been bad, it just hasn't fulfilled your needs, and that the consequence of moving forward, is having to leave things behind. And even though you're carrying more baggage than ever, your arms are strong because of it (or your.... teeth - or whatever, since you don't have arms) and you just start to hope that one day you will find a place where you can put that stuff down and recuperate...

And that then, like in a Greek Fucking Play, The Chorus will rejoice (and that also your leg and arms will grow back, so you can comb your hair).

What ever happened to BBMak?

2007-08-04T10:33:00.001-07:00

Don't you wish they were back here? Baby?

She's Coming...

2007-08-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

PJ HARVEY- WHITE CHALK- SEPTEMBER 24TH

sneak peak: When Under Ether

track listing:
1. The Devil
2. Dear Darkness
3. Grow Grow Grow
4. When Under Ether
5. White Chalk
6. Broken Harp
7. Silence
8. To Talk To You
9. The Piano
10. Before Departure
11. The Mountain

And it makes me realize that I've been missing her.

Colonic anyone? Anyone? ...no really

2007-08-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've come to a decision.

I'm going to get a colonic. I know what you're thinking. "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

No doubt you've heard about all the cool celebs getting them? I'm sure Paris, Lindsay, Nicole and the like get them on a daily basis to maintain their "healthy glow", but then again that could also be from something else.
()

For some years now I have been secretly curious about the mysterious world of colonics. The thing is, the stories I hear are so mixed that I still don't know what to make of them. I have heard horror stories wherein one feels violated, molested and repulsed. But I have also heard magical-fairytale-like encounters wherein beautiful unicorns are set free from the vestibules of one's inner dark being . Some have called the experience traumatizing, while others have bought packages for future sessions.

I'm sure you see my dilemma. I can't live my life not knowing. I'm what you call an experiential learner and I need to know. Don't worry, I'll be doing my research.

There you have it. I've put it down in the blog-universe, therefor this is a binding (HA!) contract. I will promise to document the experience, but first I have to find a center near me. But how can I do such a thing? Wait! I know.... SpaFinder can help. :)

The picture is quite appropriate, don't you think?

You should check this site out though, for real. I've gotten gift certificates through them. They make a great gift you can choose from TONS of spas that take the certificate.

Do it for real, bitch!

2007-08-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

Werner Herzog's Rescue Dawn and the Benefits of Actual Reality in Film

My former film teacher, Robert T. Eberwein, who happens to be one of the greatest living film scholars you haven’t heard about, often lamented in class that the prevalence of CGI in film today greatly interrupts the viewing experience. Even the best CGI money can buy will force the audience to come out of the moment and think, wow, that was some good special effects. There’s hardly a way to see a film these days, especially this deep into the summer months, that doesn’t bring about such a momentary, if not several momentary interruptions of either “Wow” or “Dear God, that looked terrible. Who the hell got paid for that crap?”

Last week, I had the pleasure of seeing the a film with no computerized effects that isn’t either an indie-film family drama or boy-meets-girl but isn’t-ready-for-commitment so will-they-stay-together type thing. After months of constant release date changes, Werner Herzog’s Rescue Dawn was released. It was a priority viewing primarily due to the presence of the great Christian Bale, but also because I am finally being clued into the ways of Herzog. Bale’s utterly natural performance, bizarre accent and all, is magic. In fact, his accent alone should banish any further Academy Award Ceremonies. Every time I see a new Christian Bale performance I cackle at the idea that some bunch of studio execs actually believed that Leonardo DiCaprio, as an actor (but also as a name) was the better man to portray yuppie sociopath, Patrick Bateman in 2000’s American Psycho. Seriously? I could maybe see DiCaprio pulling off the role now, but Bale owned it then, and he still cartwheels miles around DiCaprio. He pretty much is better than everyone.

But I digress because the point of my musings is not the superhuman talent czar that is Christian Bale, but Werner Herzog’s breath-of-fresh-air film. In a brief synopsis, the film sounds like another prison break/war film. An Air Force pilot is shot down on his first mission during the Vietnam War, and is interned in a Viet Cong run prison camp. Even if you learn that this particular tale is based on actual events, so what? What war film isn’t? Perhaps it peeks your interest a smidge more when you learn that the main character, Dieter Dengler, is a German-born American whose village was bombed by the U.S. during World War II, and as his hometown was being laid to waste all he could think about were the amazing fighter planes and how he needed to fly. Dengler, played brilliantly by Christian Bale, doesn’t operate like everybody else. His funny accent aside, it becomes increasingly clear as the film progresses that this human being thrives on the elusive emotion of unabashedly pure hope. The feeling of hope in Rescue Dawn feels unique because Dengler isn't constantly compelled to explain his gut instinct. It’s just a given for him. Unlike his fellow captives, it would never even occur to him to just give in and sit around for two-plus years. He is immediately formulating an escape plan, utterly undeterred by warnings of death by the hands of the Viet Cong or the perilous jungle. Perhaps it’s easy for me to say from the comfort of a theater seat, but Dengler’s determination and resilience was infectious and it was almost difficult to understand why the other POWs were so hesitant. The lack of doubt and fear is why Dengler lived to tell his tale.
A lack of doubt and fear must also be the reason why Christian Bale lived to discuss this film in interviews. Werner Herzog clearly does not make sure to provide trailers and craft service tables for his actors. “Dedication” is only one of the words that stuck out in my mind as I watched Christian Bale hanging upside down with an ant’s nest tied to his face while an angry guard spun him around in dizzying circles. He is dragged on his ass through dirt, and barefoot 98% of the time. Steve Zahn never warmed my heart more than as the scruffy-bearded, under-fed Duane, whom Dieter makes a point to look out for. He just looks so exhaustedly pathetic and small. Jeremy Davies gives the performance of his career as the just cracked-up Gene. His skeletal frame rivals that of Bale’s in The Machinist.

There is no studio lot in all of Hollywood that could capture the unpredictability of a true jungle, and it shows onscreen as you watch these startlingly malnourished men plunging desperately through the Vietnamese landscape (though apparently this was filmed in Thailand). The oppressive amount of foliage, large insects, rivers suddenly shifting into waterfalls, monsoon season; it’s just another day in Laos, baby. These examples onscreen prove that no computer whiz can ever truly match the intensity of reality. No blue screen can beat hauling a camera crew up a mountain, period. I dare anyone to prove me wrong.

I am overjoyed that in the summer of 2007 I sat through an epic film that had not ONE shred of CGI. I can’t say it enough! Who among you doesn’t want that same feeling? A recent reviewer in, I believe, Entertainment Weekly stated that she found Bale’s weight loss in the film to be obscene because there are millions of starving people in the world who don’t have the luxury of voluntary weight fluxuation. I imagine she was referencing his phenomenal portrayal in The Machinist as well. Maybe I’d give that one to her if she worked for FEMA, but she’s a film reviewer! If as a film critic you take issue with authenticity and skill, please quit and give me your job! I could really use it to pay off my mounting student loans.

Give me Christian Bale’s skeletal ass and you can keep all 145 minutes of Transformers. That film, being the antithesis of Rescue Dawn, was maybe enjoyable for the first forty-five minutes. God save Shia LeBeouf from such drawn-the-hell-out pointless Michael Bay crap. I loved Transformers the cartoon, cartoon being the operative word in the sentence. How complicated does Optimus Prime need to look? Christian Bale could look like a robot if he wanted to. Actually he already did that in American Psycho, so one more point for team Bale. My point: The action in Rescue Dawn trounces Transformers. Good filmmaking will wow you with action while stimulating the part of your brain that generates thought and emotion. I shouldn’t be half asleep practically sprawled out on the seat next to me while an epic showdown between Megatron and Optimus Prime goes down. I haven’t been that bored since I saw the first XXX movie with Vin “Make it Stop” Diesel, and I was stoned.

FUKT - Freaky Undercover Kindergarten Teachers

2007-08-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

Thank you thank you thank you for checking out our blog!

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors. If we make a penny every single day for this whole entire year - we might have $3.65 by 2008! (Or at least Leonard will since he's our pimp).

NEXT TOPIC: SEX HABITS OF THE 1950s (in response to a comment).

So people didn't really sleep in the same beds back then, or talk about sex, or possibly even have sex, but YOU KNOW there was like that one couple on the block, you know like 2 doors down from The Beavers (no pun intended) that were totally into S&M and they were just doing it with CUCUMBERS and CLOTHESPINS - they just didn't talk about it.

Thats right. Ever think back upon your childhood with your new adult learnin' skills and start hearing the things that never got talked about? There are many times where my brain "bookmarked" a spot in my childhood, so that I could go back to later. This has led to a lot of interesting stare sesssions at the walls of my apartment....and what have I learned?

My 4th grade teacher must have been a total BUTTSLUT.

Yea, give it up, Mrs. H - you know you were a freak. I realized this one night at a party. (No Mrs. H was not there, thank God - at least not yet as far as I know..) Once upon a time when I was a student and I moved back to Detroit for a year or so to complete the shittiest internship in the nation, I went to a richkid party in the richkid part of town with one of my fellow interns and partied with richkids. Richkids were very interesting to me, so I figured I would observe their species closely. Sooner or later one of them told me that she was a kindergarten teacher, and that got my wheels a-turnin. WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO HAVE FREAKY SEX WITH SOMEBODY'S KINDERGARTEN TEACHER?

I think it would be best if you didn't know - If you did the nastiest freakydeakiest shit in the universe and then had her climb out of the sex swing to go to work in the morning only to answer your question of "where do you work" with "I teach kindergarten" and be completely DISCLUSTERFUCKCOMBOBULATED. There she is pickin out today's storytime selections in a pair of thigh-highs and nothing else. And thats what got me thinking.....I bet my 4th grade teacher was a freak....along with many other key figures throughout my history, and history in general....for example, Harriet Tubman could have been a freak. She knew how to keep it on the DL. And Ernest Hemingway was definitely not called PAPA by all those women for NOTHING. It happened - they just didn't talk about it.

Now watch this video for further imput.

We don't all have AIDS - but we do have HERPES.

2007-08-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

I have to comment on something I notice happening in the media...

Due to the extreme PC-oriented climate of the 90s, we are now experiencing a SEVERE lashback, and I, for one, support the hell out of it. What am I talking about? Read along now darling...

The 90s. AIDS. CONDOMS. STDs. AWARENESS. EQUALITY. ALTERNATIVE MUSIC. ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES. ALTERNATIVES. These were not bad things, Generation X just took their love of awareness for them a little bit too far - BUT God love WINONA & CO. for standing up and saying "and they wonder why those of us in our 20s refuse to work an 80 hour week to afford their BMWs - as if we did not see them disembowel their own revolution over a pair of running shoes!" Reality does indeed BITE.

I seem to remember, among others, Oprah saying something about AIDS posing a possible epidemic. Remember that scare? You should - its still happening - anyone catch the "WE ALL HAVE AIDS" campaign ads splashed all over such politically reputable magazines like PEOPLE? I'm not saying AIDS awareness is wrong, what I am saying is using FEAR tactics to make people afraid to FUCK because of political agendas such as FAMILY VALUES and CHRISTIANITY IS WRONG.

Meanwhile - how many people you know have died of AIDS?

Meanwhile - how many people you know can tell you what A.I.D.S. (remember when it was still an ACRONYM) stands FOR - WITHOUT GOOGLING IT!?!?

Meanwhile - Herpes is still out there hiding in 95% of the lips in our society and how many people know that those ARE NOT pimples? Of course - it won't kill you - but you probably DIDN'T KNOW THAT either.

The warning should have come in 1994 with a little Jeremy Piven inspired cult phenomenon known as PCU - Politically Correct University. Thats right, why it took America another decade to realize that this man was the next MESSIAH of MEDIA is beyond me, but, it probably had something to do with his being cast as the legally unsinkable Ari Gold in the HBO series Entourage (my friend Mary Ann made out with Adrian Grenier once - its a good story, ask me about it later - he was dreamy).

PCU is a wonderful tale of a time when tuition was about a quarter of what it is now. (Another GREAT thing about the 90s) Anyway, its basically a 79 minute free-for-all on how a few things can be taken WAY too seriously. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, this movie was ahead of its time in that, unlike other 90s movies, instead of adopting the "this is lame, BUT we're aware of it" stance, PCU head-on embraces the "this is UNACCEPTABLY fucking LAME - and you are SO NOT AWARE OF IT" mentality - more popular of movies TODAY.

Which leads me to my next portion of the discussion - Anybody watch TV today? If you do then you will know that, much to the dismay of Tipper Gore, it is now acceptable to use the word BITCH on network TV and I am ALL FOR IT. The sex jokes are a lot racier too, and so are the race jokes. Why? Because people want to joke. Humor is something that relates people to eachother. So, whereas 10 years ago debates were being sparked over words like bitch and lesbian kisses happening on TV, now, THEY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, without anybody even noticing, and its GRAND I tell you - SIMPLY GRAND!

Take a few examples of a few hit shows today.

Show#1 - Supernatural.

If you don't already watch this show, you need to. Not only is Dean Winchester a Shameless Manwhore but he manages to use the word BITCH in every episode - even if its a stretch; "This is my associate, Dr.....uh.....FeeklaBITCH"

Show#2 - Weeds

You should probably watch this show too. You'll notice that every time Nancy (portrayed by supermilf Mary Louise Parker) goes to buy weed from Halia (her dealer) the racial slurs FLY - and its funny, and appropriate - because it makes serious social commentary about the state of affairs within suburban America.

Show#3 - Grey's Anatomy

Bitch - FUCK this show. They need to shut this shit DOWN. (that is all).

Yea so anyway thats about all the point I have left in me to make. My only question now is

was the sterile environment of the 90s necessary for the hostile liberal takeover that is happening now?

I laugh EVERY single time I watch this...

2007-08-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

I'm a 100% 50, 50. That's all I have to say...

How to piss off Robert Deniro in 30 seconds.

2007-08-01T16:10:00.001-07:00

Thanks Marie, for sending this uplifting clip.

P@N+yL!nE$

2007-08-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ah yes - The ClinTITS.

So threatening they are to our cock-laden congress.

You know what we as Americans need to do is petition to have congressmen actually WORK for their MONEY, instead of serve ONE term and get paid their SALARY for LIFE. That way we wouldn't have to pay these bastards to sit around and talk about cleavage and we could actually afford things like, oh I don't know, um, socialized medicine? Its a good idea - really. Especially since our healthcare system ALREADY tries to take care of everybody and FAILS. Miserably. Give Hill a break, she was just tryin' to spice up the idea - she cares about healthcare!

And by the way, go see the movie Sicko (which you will find a review of here shortly I'm sure).

Now, while we're talking about cleavage lets move onto another one of my favorite topics: pantylines. That word is just so provocative I feel like spelling it completely in lowercase letters denies it the justice it deserves.

Lets try again: P@N+yL!nE$

WHOO - now its a party, ladies and gentlemen! I'm going to create a new rule, and this is something I have been known to do from time to time throughout my extensive history of blogging (I assure you that I am a true professional and had to endure a rigorous application process to get hired for this here blogspot) - NO WHITE PANTS LADIES - I CAN SEE YOUR PANTYL- oops I mean P@N+yL!nE$!

On the way out of work this morning, and no I do not work in pornography (although I wish I did because I hear the health insurance is better) one of my female coworkers bent her whitepants-clad-ass over and gave me a GROUND ZERO view of some GRANNY-PANTIES! Come on, if you're going to roll like that at least wear a THONG. Even if you have to stretch around the DEPEND that you're wearing - That way everybody knows THEY AIN'T no SHAME in yo GAME!

End quote.

THIS NEW RULE WILL BE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE CONTACT MR. LOOZANDER BY EMAIL. YOUNG WOMEN WISHING TO HAVE THEIR PANTYLINES EVALUATED PLEASE PROVIDE PHONE NUMBERS.

Hillary's Boobs

2007-07-31T22:36:00.001-07:00

I'm speechless. Really, I am.

Well, maybe not speechless enough, because here I am writing this blog.

Have you heard the latest craze about Hillary? Apparently she was dressed oh so provocatively during a talk on the Senate floor on the cost of higher education (kind of ironic). Youtubers, MSNers, journalists, bloggers, and the like all have something to say about it--or rather to people response to it. Not surprisingly, for those of you who may know me personally, I couldn't help but add my two cents.

I'm not going to spend too much time on the subject, since I think it's only perpetuating a discussion based on oppression. How? Well, hear me out.

Clinton is obviously in a position of power in a male dominated politic arena. Her presence is groundbreaking in that she has an honest shot at presidency in some people's eyes and she is threatening to the overall paradigm of patriarchy that our culture is currently based on. We live in a male dominated society, much to my dismay and that of other feminists. Why is it that women are objectified to the degree that they are in our society? Partly because that objectification maintains the male dominated structure, and because that structure is maintained by, well, males. The point I am making is that when women, or men for that manner, are challenging to the structure that maintains male dominance, an attack soon follows. That is why it seems so easy for some, even other women, to attack Hillary for being "sexually inappropriate".

What frustrates me most is that so many of these "political experts" are spending more time focusing on her cleavage than on her stance as a politician. When is the last time you heard someone making note of what the other male politicians were wearing?

Ugh. In case you haven't seen the picture, please brace yourself for some indecency....

Mew!

2007-07-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

It feels so anti-climactic that this is my first post... Let's keep it simple for now.

Have you heard of Mew yet? If not, you should check them out. The song I have playing is called 156. I love it. What do you think?
You can get it on
Click for direct link to song.