CALM AS HINDU COWS, MY ASS!

MEMO:

TO: All Airport Travelers

From: Derek Loozander, Professional Roadslut, Ph.D. R.S. Harvard University

10/17/07

UPON ARRIVING AT THE TERMINAL SECURITY CHECKPOINT:

Take your shoes off. 

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!

TAKE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHOES OFF BITCHES!!!

Don't piss me OFF! Strip off those belts too! And get rid of those chapsticks. JESUS CHRIST, I COULD STRIP NAKED AND WRENCH THE FILLINGS OUT OF MY FUCKING TEETH BEFORE YOU PEOPLE FIGURED OUT WHAT THE FUCK SHOES ARE. 

Also - No liquids, or gels. Forget joining the mile high club accompanied by KY Jelly, you're goona have to do it raw dog. BUT look on the bright side - Should you choose to do so, the airplane bathroom faucet will be so far up your tight attache-carrying corporate ass you won't even be able to feel discomfort anywhere else! Come on now, if you can get your pants down in one of those little piss cubicles I have complete faith that you will be able to get your shoes off before you even enter the terminal.

Trust me, if you're going to hijack a plane, you can almost sneak a fucking GUN on board while airport security is busy X-RAYING your BAGS for BLISTEX. But do so at your own risk, because the bottom line in traveling American Airways nowadays, regardless of what COLOR of TERROR LEVEL we happen to be experiencing at the moment (btw THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!), is simple:

AMERICANS WILL KICK YOUR ASS. 

Remember the story about the guy that had a bomb in his shoe on a post 9-11 flight. Yea - the stewardess pretty much jumped into his lap and started wailing him in the face until they got him on the ground. Don't mess, motherfuckers - A FIGHT CAN ARISE AT THE DROP OF A DIME NOWADAYS - which brings me back to my original point - take your son-of-a-bitching-shoes OFF. And BELTS. And throw out your CHAPSTICKS. And KY JELLY. And it might not be a good idea to put that condom on beforehand if you're afraid you won't have enough space to unroll it later (because remember - you gotta pinch that half an inch at the top). If security catches you you're going to be the next American Idiot of the Moment.

Until then, Runaway Bride Wishes, and Diapered Ex-Astronaut Dreams everybody!