Welcome Back, Cruise

Memorandum
10/15/2007
To: Tom Cruise
From: Marie Lasferatu
Re: Bring it on!




It's been awhile, but I'm ready to say it. I've missed you. It's really hard to say that, especially since I've talked alot of shit about you, but discussing you with someone whom made a really good point made me realize that you're actually NOT the anti-christ. That lady on the Comcast commercials is.

Anyone with taste can name at least five movies of yours that they like/love. At LEAST. I will name ten:

1. Interview with the Vampire (vampire! a true testament)
2. Legend (essential fantasy)
3. Magnolia (your finest hour)
4. Eyes Wide Shut (another fine hour)
5. Collateral (bad ass)
6. Far and Away (guilty pleasure-awesome)
7. Minority Report (great dark sci-fi)
8. War of the Worlds (awesome)
9. Mission Impossible I (less explosions, better plot)
10. The Last Samurai (great epic)

Fuck it. Scientology does not sound that much more convoluted than Christianity. I get annoyed when anybody discusses the importance of their religion, so why should I take it all out on you and your celebrity center? Fuck your celebrity center by the way, but that's not the point here. You are a great actor. You are, Tom, and the thing is you've been a movie star for pretty much your whole career and in people's minds anyone who stars in big budget movies all the time can't possibly be a great actor, but you are. PT Anderson KNEW this when he wrote Magnolia and fought to cast you. He did NOT create that level of performance, you have that in you. I get that, and it's awesome. Stanley Kubrick knew it too. Stanley KUBRICK, how many motherfuckers have the ability to say that they STARRED in a Kubrick film. An AWESOME Kubrick film, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Do I wish you had more performances like those on your career list? Sure, but I'm a film snob. Everyone is NOT Daniel Day-god among us-Lewis, and every film you make does NOT need to be mind cripplingly intelligent or even important. War of the Worlds is fucking entertaining, and I need that.

You have been a part of my life since I was capable of watching films. Legend is a staple among much of my generation, and though it is not one of your highest points as an actor, it is still a great 80s fantasy flick, and you should be proud, despite what vision-less critics may say. YOU and only YOU have made Lestat a reality. You are Tom fucking Cruise, not a particularly tall brunette and you seamlessly portrayed a six foot tall blonde French vampire. Brad Pitt bows to you in Interview with the Vampire, and Kirsten Dunst was never better up until Marie Antoinette just LAST YEAR. You won Anne Rice over, and despite that there are those who do not enjoy you in that role, I am saying as a former whore for the Vampire Chronicles; you gave us what will most likely be the only dignified cinematic portrayal of one of the greatest vampires born from literature.

I still think Katie and you flaunted it a little too hard, but honestly, I imagine if you tried to be undercover the media coverage would've been only slightly less. It just seemed like you were displaying a brand new shiny toy and there was something forced about it, but really how can any of us claim to know what's really what? I hope y'all is for real, I really do. But Tom, you've shown a trend of swallowing up your lady's career. It seems pretty unintentional, maybe you're just one of those guys that a woman just wants to devote all her energy to. And you know what? Katie Holmes is a shit actress, so I 'spose you're really doing her a favor. How can I fault you for that? You know what else? Thank you.

The Brooke Shields thing, you shouldn't have said that to her. I whole heartedly agree that people all over the world are being unnecessarily doped the fuck up for the slightest chemical shift, but something as severe as post-partum depression requires more than a run and extra fruit in the diet. I like to think that you understand the difference, and though your apology to Sheilds totally seemed forced, it was a decent effort, and I appreciate it. You've been really good about shying away from the paparazzi zoo shit show. Good move. Though I know you were in the midst of promoting a film, I have to tell you that it was all quite an overkill and made it impossible to sit through a film of yours. Too much of a bombardment of personal life destroys a performance. Only now am I ready to even consider watching Mission Impossible III.

However, I am more than willing to go see your upcoming films. Lions for Lambs, though potentially preachy as fuck, seems interesting. From the previews I've seen, your performance appears intriguing. Valkyrie is near the top of my list of upcoming films I'd like to see. This could be a good one for you, Tom. You'll probably only end up with an honorary Oscar four days before you die at the age of 134, but many of us already know that you're a far better actor than several past honorees (see: Halle make-me-FEeEEl-GOOood Berry).

I don't want us to fight anymore. There is a shortage of great stars around. I wish you luck with United Artists and hope you make interesting choices. Please don't produce a Michael Bay film, and please don't approve the release of a CGI film whose quality is inferior to Jurassic Park (made over a decade ago).

It feels good to get this off my chest. You've alienated alot of people, but I've realized, who fucking cares? You are T to the OM CRUISE! Bring it.