BREAKING NEWS

ODE TO THE AMPUTEE

by Derek Loozander 

08.05.07

Legless woman with messy hair excitedly departs a bad relationship.

EVERYWHERE, USA. So for those of you non-adventureseome white trash losers out there (in the midwest) who don't know, moving to a new city is like dumping somebody.

Sometimes you're overjoyed. Sometimes your significant other has bound you within their CHAINS for far too long and you've been FANTASIZING about the day when you finally succeed in GNAWING through that last hunk of FLESH - that last bundle of tendons - until you finally sever your own ARM and break FREE. Ahh, the joys of roaming the earth as an AMPUTEE - free to drip BLOOD out of your STUMP upon whatever land YOU CHOOSE! 'Tis beautiful - like a FUCKING GREEK PLAY...

CHORUS: Rejoice!

Then you get to your new place, and its everything you dreamed of.......until you settle. All of a sudden things that intrigued you start getting old, and then irritating. You start to question if its just you, but it doesn't really matter, because even if it is you're still uncomfortable. I swear, stagnancy is the downfall of our species. Look at our age-old mating habits. Look at our ripple-less gene pool. Look at Britney Spears. After a few years you get the itch to gnaw off that other arm and before you know it its done; you're roaming the earth again as a torso with legs and a head (and crazy hair that you can no longer pick up a brush to comb)...

CHORUS: Rejoice!

Now, should you even make it to another place your ever-increasingly neurotic and cynical ass must ask of itself some questions:

• Who wants a torso with legs and a head and crazy hair?
  
• If somebody does, what might you chew off to get away from this person?
  
• How will you get to the next shitty relationship when you only have one leg?
  

Well, I don't know about y'all, but I am an OPTIMIST; where there's a WILL there is a fucking WAY, GOD DAMN IT! And God Forbid anybody should DARE block that path because I will KICK THEIR ASS with my FUCKING TONGUE if thats all I have LEFT!  

Sometimes though, after moving/dumping, you're not overjoyed, because at a certain point you start to realize that after much more moving there will be nothing left of you. That no place is perfect. That each place you've lived hasn't necessarily been bad, it just hasn't fulfilled your needs, and that the consequence of moving forward, is having to leave things behind. And even though you're carrying more baggage than ever, your arms are strong because of it (or your.... teeth - or whatever, since you don't have arms) and you just start to hope that one day you will find a place where you can put that stuff down and recuperate...

And that then, like in a Greek Fucking Play, The Chorus will rejoice (and that also your leg and arms will grow back, so you can comb your hair).