Eastern Promises: NOT The Godfather, ETC.

I intended to be a good future film critic and critique Eastern Promises, but as I fell into my usual pattern of procrastination and let a whole week go by since the film's official release, it's seems pointless to continue on that end. Instead I shall address a recent epidemic. No, not herpes spread by pantiless talentless Hollywhores, but something far more sinister...

There has been a tragically lazy trend in mainstream film reviewing lately in which a film that can be easily categorized (i.e. western, romantic comedy, CGI action, crap etc.) is blindly compared to an epic classic. The worst offender so far is the claim that 3:10 to Yuma is "the greatest western since Unforgiven." UGH! for starters. Second, seriously? I think Unforgiven is a great western, and I know many would agree. Of course there are those who are unimpressed with the film, but for the sake of my argument I will proceed as if those people do not exist. The reason why this comparison is lazy shall be broken down in the following manner:

A. Unforgiven was released in 1992. This implies that Tombstone (1993) and Wyatt Earp (1994) are not the balls of awesome that they are. They are! Watch a clip of Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday and tell me his gentlemenly southern accent and unabashed cock-wielding manner doesn't make you feEEel gooOOOOd.

B. This also implies that 3:10 to Yuma is just the best western since Unforgiven because there pretty much were no other westerns made since 1992. False! This Western flick resurgence kicked up in 2005 with the release of THREE independent features: Down in the Valley, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and God's Gift to Me AKA The Proposition. {see also: Previous blog entry entitled "Ride It Again"} I have no problem saying this again: What those three movies possess that 3:10 to Yuma DOES NOT is a flare for capturing the sense of classic westerns but presenting it in a modern and grittier fashion. Even Down in the Valley has it's ups before devolving into crapulence.

C. Cannot say it enough THE PROPOSITION is awesome and brutal and FAR more deserving of that absurd title being draped upon 3:10 to Yuma. All that flick has that's memorable is Christian Bale's wonderous face and skillz, which are WASTED. Anyone who knows me knows I loves me my Christian Bale, and if his presence alone does not satisfy me, then there are serious issues with the film. Go see it for yourself, even Russel Crowe knows how lazy the whole project is. I don't care what he says in interviews, it's clear on screen how he feels cuz he's barely trying.

Further Observances: Compare and Contrast

The Proposition


3:10 to Yuma


The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada


Which one makes you drool more? If you say none, please leave.

Moving on:

Eastern Promises is being compared to The Godfather. Why would someone even do that? Clearly some dude getting paid more than he deserves hears that the film deals with the Russian mob, thinks of a famous mob flick--Oh that one Scorsese thing-- and next thing you know I have to hear how Eastern Promises is the new Godfather. Ugh. I liked Eastern Promises, especially because Viggo Mortensen turned out a career making performance, making me FORGET that he's not supposed to have a Russian accent. Name another A-List actor who can swing that at this point in their career. Daniel Day-Lewis is excluded. If you pay attention, the film is ultimately not about mobsters or a mob family or the rise of organized crime. Lazy.

Not to stray too far from the topic, but this also made me wonder about the existence of God. Because I feel that if God exists, as so many people claim, why A. Does this girl have a job? and B. Why is she allowed to be near David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortensen in any capacity whatsoever. Watch this video, and decide for yourself.

Why Don't I Have This Job?

Now witness a professional: note- Viggo looks really thin, but I I love how childlike and uncomfortable he always looks in interviews.

part 1


part 2


Worth watching.

Oh my god, what was I talking about?

Yes, yes lazy comparisons in film reviewing. Another one that tainted my soul was the statement that "300 is the most groundbreaking film since The Matrix." Groundbreaking in the sense that disguised mediocrity broke so many box office records. Look, I am a Gerard Butler fan, I am also a fan of mostly nude men, but I got BORED! 300 the preview, with the Nine Inch Nails and the little bit of talking- GENIUS. 300 with the boring left over from Gladiator score and the no acting and excess of slo-mo action- LAME.

Whoever edited this trailer deserves an award.


I really really really anticipated the release of that film, and while it's not that I expected high art, I still expected a higher level of it than I got. Sin City came off as more groundbreaking to me. I love The Matrix, and I understand that that film isn't necessarily high art, but it's awesome, and it BLEW MY MIND when it came out. Shouldn't the most groundbreaking film after the last groundbreaking film give you the same feeling of "Holy shit I just saw something new?" Yes? Too much to ask? Apparently.

I'm having trouble retaining my train of thought, but the ranting has gone on long enough. Please share any other lazy comparisons you've come across. Let us compile a list of bitter hatred. That is all.