Until Further Notice...

For the time being, this blog is no longer running. We are all sad, but such is life. For Marie's blog (whom has contributed most of the blogs) please visit her at emofights.blogspot.com.

Peace Out.

Yes, Please...

I do not envy the hype Ledger has to bare, but this is awesome!

Better than "Into the Wild" could ever dream... The Mist.

The Mist, directed by Frank Darabont (of Shawshank Redemption fame) is so much better than it's being given credit for. In fact, the only thing actually working against this film is a few scenes of mediocre CGI, but the poor CGI is ultimately canceled out by some (in particular one giant) instance of CGI glory. However, this film shines because its CGI creatures are NOT the stars of the film. Wouldn't you know it, the HUMAN ACTORS are what prop this film up with excellence. It's a horror film that is not catering to pre-teens and torture fetishists, that manages to be entertaining in a way that doesn't require it to be so bad it's funny.

Hearing about The Mist before it arrived in theatres, I wasn't exactly counting down the days: Another adaptation of a Stephen King novel, and this one's about sinister mist... No Country for Old Men should be out soon! But NO, Frank Darabont, an actually credible director, was not gonna go down like that (i.e. The Grudge, Hostel II, shit etc. etc.). He deserves major kudos for the screenplay and his almost documentary like shooting. The film also has a pretty unobtrusive film score. The composer has the rare gift of understanding the benefit of silence. We don't need music to tell us when to be scared.

When the preview rolled around, my senses were perked by the presence of Thomas Jane. Thomas Jane is sorely underused these days, and even though The Mist is inexplicably getting lame reviews by upscale snooty film reviewers, as well as performing rather poorly at the box office, I like to think that someone who has power in the industry could see this film and recognize the quality acting going on, especially from T. Jane.

Unlike what the preview suggested, the actual mist in the film looks excellent, and slithers creepily and realistically over the small New England town. Had the filmmakers desired it, and had they balls that huge, the creepiness of the film could have been sustained by the mist alone. Of course unraveling human psyches barreling down the path of sociopathic religious hysteria never fails to create an uncomfortable and dangerous environment. Marcia Gay Harden plays her best role in years as the town batshit-crazy religious zealot. She is indeed a villain you don't have a warm spot for, and that's refreshing. A wiser choice than her embarrassingly awful and cliche roles in Into the Wild and The Invisible, two of the worst films I've seen so far this year.
The central child in the film, Jane's son, is not annoying or meant to be abnormally intelligent or creepy, which is also refreshing. No one trapped in the grocery store is portrayed as particularly remarkable, including Jane's character, who is more or less the hero of the film. Anything goes when everyone in the room is just a regular joe who simply wanted a few nonperishable goods to store in the house after a nasty storm. The fun of these disaster survival movies is being able to relate to the characters, and in your mind play out the way you would personally react to each situation.

The ongoing battle between religion/hysteria and science/rationale is played out between the increasingly divided store patrons. Sure, some points are cliche and some of the characterizations come off as over the top, but you can't really say that it's an ultimately dishonest display. One character, whom I shall refer to as Capote II, sums up one of the main commentaries in the film when he states, and I'm paraphrasing, that if you put more than one person in the room they'll immediately take sides and then think of reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion? Amen to that. Of course another reason to start killing each other out of fear could simply be government experimentations that cause a portal tear into a sinister otherworld that spills over uncontrollably into our own. Simply a theory. Life affords us so many possibilities.

For a good time that won't cause cantankerous sores in the brain, go see The Mist.

J Dogg and The Lizzles

*Small's Hamtramck, MI Nov. 14, 2007

At a young age I would sneak downstairs late at night and watch unmentionable things on Cinemax. Late night porn aside, there was plenty of R rated goodness my parents tried so hard to shield me from. The most standout memory from all this sneakery is a film called Strange Days from 1994 starring Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett and Juliette Lewis. I still love that film, but the defining aspect of it for me was Juliette Lewis with long fiery red hair, barely there rocker chick clothing, belting out this song that I thought was so awesome it pained me that I could not listen to it whenever I desired. It wouldn't be until 2000 that I would learn that the two songs in the film Miss Lewis sang were PJ Harvey songs (Rid of Me and Hardly Wait), and shortly thereafter I discovered that the soundtrack to Strange Days had the coveted Hardly Wait cover that I so enjoyed.

*Strange Days 1994 singing Hardly Wait

While Miss Polly Jean is the true innovator, and I would come to worship and adore her, Juliette was the one who infiltrated my brain first, and I kept on eye out for any other vocal endeavors she may embark on. In Natural Born Killers she sang a bit of a tune called Born Bad, which was sampled by a group called The Infidels in a song called Bad Brother. In 2004 Lewis sang on two Prodigy songs- Spitfire and Hot Ride- on their album Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned. Those were easily the best songs on the meager offering. Then FINALLY she got her own band together and left the cruel film world in the dust...for the most part.

Like a Bolt of Lightning...
Juliette and the Licks debut e.p. - released 2005

This is by far the crown jewel of The Licks' releases so far. Bad ass rock n' roll at it's finest. If you're curious, this is the place to start...and maybe end. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's best to by their other songs individually. If you care...

You're Speaking My Language
released 2005

Not a strong LP. It is clear that the group can only make half a strong album, at least in my opinion. It is unfortunate, but things don't seem hopeless, and Juliette is clearly hellbent on a CAREER, so there's plenty of time for growth.

Four on the Floor
released 2006

I am relieved that J Dogg and the Licks are pumping out the tunes, but again, it's only half a good album. I am thrilled that the group is beginning to be taken seriously and appear to have conquered Europe like they made the place.

The live show, that's where it's at. Unfortunately, I was cheated out of two previous opportunities to see Juliette rock the shit. The first, in 2005, they played at the Magic Stick, and I found out about it the DAY after. Tragic. Second, in 2006, for months the Licks are scheduled to play at the Magic Bag (note to out-of-towners, these are both gloriously small indie rock venues/bars in the metro Detroit area) it became increasingly clear that they were double booked, and by the time I learned that the show had been rescheduled for a venue in Ann Arbor (45 min. away) it was too late. My next opportunity was a few months ago when the Licks were opening for Chris Cornell. Love the man, not so much his solo work. Would have gone if not for the obscene ticket prices (ok, 35 + ticketmaster slave fee) could be worse, but more than I can afford). I was torn, but thankfully a headlining tour was announced for the band.

Success! I finally get to witness the greatness that is Juliette and the Licks LIVE. This is hands down her calling in life- LIVE ROCK SHOWS. I felt fifteen again, screaming my head off. It was like seeing Shirley Manson for the first time, except Juliette-FUCKIN OSCAR NOMINATED BAD ASS BITCH DATED JOHNNY DEPP AND BRAD PITT-Lewis was in front of me belting it out like a real rock pro. Her voice was strong and not over powered by the music. Her band was a bunch a hot dudes in jeans w/ no shirts on who are excellent rock musicians. She commanded the stage like nobody's business, and proved to be one of, if not the most generous performer I have ever seen. She exuded so much positive energy that I felt extremely elated, excited afterwards. If nothing else, people, see this woman live. They played songs that I KNOW I do not like, and the energy made them awesome. Rock shows in small venues, good times. Good. Times.

In Television News: This is What Happens, Larry, When You Fuck a Stranger in the Ass!!!

See mom and dad, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I instinctually knew that what I aspire to be is being severely shit upon anyway, so why bother?

Not that entertainment is the most important aspect of existence, no of course not, but I pray that the Mayans are right, and the apocalypse comes soon because I want to relish the ultimate destruction of every blood sucking, creativity stifling, shamelessly greedy and heartless corporation on the face of this Earth. I want to watch them burn and crumble to the earth and get swept away in the ashes of the fallout, and then drowned in the rising of the seas. I will be cackling atop a mountain eating s'mores, hoarding the last batteries on earth and blasting Heresy by Nine Inch Nails, and waving a giant flag with my mantra :
"The people you're after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us."

The WGA Strike: Keep on!

The WGA Strike and the Death of Television

This WGA strike sucks, to be sure. If it goes on for more than three months (which is looking increasingly likely), pilot season won't happen, no new shows will be created, no new seasons will come back, and we'll be stuck with the dregs of reality TV for a full year. Yep, that means no last season of Battlestar Galactica, no new season of Lost, and no new episodes of The Office. It's no small thing, and not just because you'll be inconvenienced by marathons of Overweight Celebrity Chili Cook-Off Island or whatever the networks will throw up when they run out of new programming.

TV is not disappearing anytime soon, but clearly, it's going to be replaced by either the internet or some TV/internet hybrid. Like the music industry, the TV industry realizes that their tried-and-true business model is about to be useless, and it's lashing out in panic. Unlike the music industry, who stupidly attacked its fans, the TV industry is attacking its own creative source: writers. But the WGA wouldn't be striking if this wasn't important. We talked to both sides to get at the root of the trouble.

Eric Appel, who's written for Crank Yankers and The Andy Milonakis Show and consulted for MTVs Human Giant, told me:

"New media is where television is going. In a few years cable is just gonna be the internet. And unlike TiVo where you can skip the advertisements, in [new, network-run] streaming players you're forced to sit through the ads. The networks are making money on that, and the studios don't want to give writers any of it."

Imagine if the recording industry decided that the internet was merely a way to promote CDs and that no songs sold online counted when paying musicians. Their argument would be that people were just checking out those songs and might go buy the CD later, at which point the artist would get paid. This is essentially the argument the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) is making.

Here's what a spokesperson told me:

"New media has proven to be an effective and cost-effective promotional and marketing tool for both films and television but there is not enough marketplace data to judge its true potential, ultimate impact on traditional media or viability as a business."

Basically, they claim they don't make any money off the internet so there's nothing to share with the writers, and since "each new month brings new ways to produce, distribute and consume media and entertainment" they don't want to agree to give writers any new media residuals.

As it stands, writers get a small percentage of revenue if a show is successful and reruns often, which is why Jerry Seinfeld drives a gold-plated flying car between his mansions in the Hamptons and Dubai. At the moment, they aren't paid any residuals for new media distribution, despite the fact that online content delivery is the future.

The problem with this logic is that if new media really didn't bring in any money, there wouldn't be a problem. The writers are asking for a percentage of profits from new media — a percentage of nothing is nothing, after all.

So what this battle basically boils down to is the producers trying to move away from a residuals system, one in which writers are paid once for their work and get nothing for creating huge hits. It'll make them a whole lot more money and writers a whole lot less. And it's not just the livelihood of writers at stake; this same issue is going to come up with actors and directors as well in the near future. It's a battle for how business will be done in TV's new age, and one that will affect the entertainment that all of us consume for the foreseeable future.

*originally posted on http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/solidarity/the-wga-strike-and-the-death-of-television-322068.php

More on the death of Oink, Saul Williams, and paying $5000.00 for In Rainbows

Trent Reznor and Saul Williams Discuss Their New Collaboration, Mourn OiNK

Saul and Trent.Courtesy of Cornerstone

Spoken-word and hip-hop artist Saul Williams toured with Nine Inch Nails last year, and Trent Reznor liked him so much that he decided to produce his new album. The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!, a mind-boggling fusion of genres — think NIN meets Gnarls Barkley meets Justice, if you can do so without your head exploding — will be released tomorrow through Williams's Website as a free download (or you can chip in five bucks to support Saul). The two artists spoke with Vulture by phone from L.A. this afternoon, discussing the album's genesis, the imploding record industry, and how much they paid for the new Radiohead album.

How did this collaboration come about?
Trent: I'd come across Saul through his "List of Demands" video, and it really impressed me as strong piece of work, as an aggressive rock-type track that jumped out of the television. So I checked to see if he was interested in touring with me. And it impressed me that he could go in front of an audience that probably didn't know who he was. He won the crowd over, and I watched it happen every night. I said, "Hey, if you ever want to experiment on some tracks, let's see what happens."

How would you characterize the music?
Saul: Gosh, I don't know, ghetto gothic? I guess I'd characterize it as hard-core dance. I don't know if I'd include spoken word in it, actually. It's so danceable. I have a lot to say, but I wanted to find a way to say it that didn't get in the way of me dancing my ass off.

Did you ever butt heads?
Trent: There were times when we disagreed on things, certainly, but sooner or later he'd realize that I was right. [They both laugh.]

What inspired you to go the In Rainbows route with this album?
Saul: From the start, I remember Trent saying, "Let's give it away for free." At first, I was like, "This dude is out of his mind!" But then it really started making sense, and, of course, with Radiohead doing it, we were like, "What the fuck? The idea that we had was great, and we should really follow it through."

Trent: I think it's just an awkward time right now to be a musician. The reality is that people think it's okay to steal music. There's a whole generation of people, that's all they've known. I used to buy vinyl. Today, if you do put out a record on a label, traditionally, most people are going to hear it via a leak that happens two weeks — if not two months — before it comes out. There's no real way around that. I'm truly saddened because I think music has been devalued, so that it's just a file on your computer, and it's usually free. But we can't change that. What we can do is try to offer people the best experience that we can provide them. Will it work? I don't know. But I think it's a great way to get music out to people who are interested. At the end of the day, all I care about is the integrity of the music, and that the feeling of those who experience it is as untainted as possible. I'd rather it not be on an iPod commercial. I'd rather it not be a ringtone that you have to get with a free cell phone or any of that bullshit.

Are you using this project, Trent, to test the waters for a self-released NIN record?
Trent: There isn't a Nine Inch Nails record done. I'm starting one right now. If I had one that was done, I would [release] it today in exactly the same way. I won't have one done for several months. One of the things that started this in motion with Saul was me sitting around thinking about finally getting off a major label, which I think is the right move for Nine Inch Nails. I wasn't looking to jump right back into another binding contract with a big company, and I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't advising Saul to do that in today's climate. We decided to go the route we did, and we'll see what happens.

How long do you think before the labels are out of business?
Trent: I mean, who knows? I remember a time when it felt like, being on a major label, our interests were aligned. At times, it's a pretty well-oiled machine and the luxury is that I feel like I've got a team of people who are taking care of the shit I don't want to think about. I don't care about the radio guy, I just want to make music. But those days are gone. Because, mainly, that infrastructure is broken at the moment. How long before [record companies] are irrelevant? Who knows? They seem to be doing everything they can to make sure that happens as quickly as possible.

Saul: I had already had experiences with my first album, with Rick Rubin and Sony and everything, where the company basically sat on it for two years and told me it wasn't hip-hop. So, I was also very familiar with the infrastructure, and this just made the most sense.

What do you think about OiNK being shut down?
Trent: I'll admit I had an account there and frequented it quite often. At the end of the day, what made OiNK a great place was that it was like the world's greatest record store. Pretty much anything you could ever imagine, it was there, and it was there in the format you wanted. If OiNK cost anything, I would certainly have paid, but there isn't the equivalent of that in the retail space right now. iTunes kind of feels like Sam Goody to me. I don't feel cool when I go there. I'm tired of seeing John Mayer's face pop up. I feel like I'm being hustled when I visit there, and I don't think their product is that great. DRM, low bit rate, etc. Amazon has potential, but none of them get around the issue of pre-release leaks. And that's what's such a difficult puzzle at the moment. If your favorite band in the world has a leaked record out, do you listen to it or do you not listen to it? People on those boards, they're grateful for the person that uploaded it — they're the hero. They're not stealing it because they're going to make money off of it; they're stealing it because they love the band. I'm not saying that I think OiNK is morally correct, but I do know that it existed because it filled a void of what people want.

How much did you guys pay for the new Radiohead album?
Saul: I paid $7, which is like, what, fourteen pounds? No, wait, that's like three pounds!

Trent: I bought the physical one, so I spent a whopping $80. [Pauses.] But, then I re-bought it and paid $5,000, because I really felt that I need to support the arts, so people could follow in my footsteps. [Saul laughs.] —Ben Westhoff

One Step Back

***UPDATE Radiohead signed with V2, an Indie label, for a one album deal. YAAAAAYYY!!!


I suppose they have their reasons, but it's a shame they didn't go full throttle with this one. Maybe next time?

Radiohead Closing In On Deal For 'In Rainbows' CD

Poets Always Stick Their Neck Out Further

Saul Williams, you are my hero and worth FAR more than $5. It takes a poet to stick his neck out in this way, but you have some titans who got your back. It's fun to dance around the flames of the toppling record industry.

People, the latest edition to the ARMY is the real deal.


A talented rapper/poet releases an album produced by Trent Reznor. The combination gives me warm shivers, and from what I hear, the outcome is blessedly unique. A rare occurrence these days.

RELEASE INFO:

from El Rez-

As many of you know, I've been working closely with Saul Williams on his new record. We've spent many hours together in hotel rooms, busses, backstages and studios around the world working on something we knew was great. This is the most involved I've been with any project outside NIN since Antichrist Superstar, and I've been impatiently waiting for the chance for you to hear it.
Well... guess what?
The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust! has arrived!
After my own recent dealings with record labels we decided to release it directly to you. Head over to www.niggytardust.com for all the details. Register now and you can download the record November 1st.
Working on this project was a real pleasure. Saul was interested in breaking boundaries / crossing genres / defying expectations and we learned a great deal from one another in the process. When asked about the sound of the record, I've had to resort to "... I really don't know HOW to describe it." That's a good thing more than ever these days.

A word on the way we've chosen to release this.
There are obvious similarities in how Radiohead just released their new record and the way we've chosen to. After thinking about this way too much, I feel we've improved upon their idea in a few profound ways that benefit you, the consumer. You obviously will be the judge of this in the end. One thing that IS very different in our situation is that Saul's not the household name (yet!) that Radiohead is, and that means we need your support on this more than ever. If you like what you hear, spread the word.

I hope you enjoy the music,

TR


YEeeeeaaaAAAHhhh GO HANK!

In Music News: Articulate Smackdown- Delicious!

It's a long read if you're ADD, but I found this article/rant to be rather engaging, entertaining, informative and generally bad ass and necessary. Lovers of music, UNITE!!!

When Pigs Fly: The Death of Oink, the Birth of Dissent, and a Brief History of Record Industry Suicide.

Seriously check it out.

Robert Ford Busts a Cap in Gangsta Pimp Jesse James*

*title originated by Billy Ogawa
Blessed is the film that lives up to and then surpasses my expectations. I don't think I ask for too much; a plot, interesting dialogue, and good acting. I understand that everyone has a different opinion on what good is, but I also understand that most people have no taste. Thems the facts.















One negative review of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford compares the experience to watching a book on tape. I bet my parents' morgage that that person whined during the film that there wasn't enough action. I had two of those whiners in the theatre with me. They thankfully had the tact to leave in the middle of the film so I could stop hearing their ignorance aloud. Fine, you like thoughtless action. Peace be with you. Could you start fucking researching a film even a little bit before you go to it? If something is described as a "character study" or "exploration of..." 9 times outta 10 shit's not blowing up every 2.587 seconds. Move along. Save $10 and go to a buffet.

I LOVED this film. Can you tell? And I will fight for it's greatness, though it truly doesn't need the help. Time holds great things for this film, and everyone involved should be incredibly proud.

Andrew Dominik wrote and directed a fascinating study of fame. Who knew that a film which takes place in the late nineteenth century would turn out to be such a relevant commentary on the modern obsession with celebrity? Equally impressive is Dominik's leap in skill compared to his first film. Chopper (2000), starring a puffed up Eric Bana, is another sort of character study on fame and the presentation of truth. Bana is irrecognizable and turns in an excellent performance. The film falls short mainly on it's seemingly sporatic style shifts, but it's not too shabby for a first film. Dominik clearly grew leaps and impressive bounds with Assassination.

The direction of the film is poetic, the landscapes shot with care, the beauty and sparseness not forced but allowed to just be. Brad Pitt turns in one of the best, if not the best performance of his career. Symbolically speaking, there couldn't have been a more appropriate casting choice, in terms of the issue of fame. It's a wink of understanding the filmmakers and the audience can share; the ultimate modern icon of the cult of celebrity. Casey Affleck also exhibits all kinds of impressiveness. I've always liked him as an actor, he has a great sense of comic timing, but this performance comes seemingly out of nowhere. He really stepped up his game, and I hope there is more to follow. The only other performance of his, that I have seen, in which his acting seemed to come so naturally was Gus Van Sant's To Die For (1995).

Despite the complaints of 'no action' (if you're blind and ignore the INSANE amounts of tension in some of the scenes), this film accomplished some of the things I felt 3:10 to Yuma did not. Brad Pitt's portrayal of Jesse James is far more introspective and multidimensional than Russell Crowe's Wade, and he's not even an artist. Pitt has some moments in the film where he seems genuinely dangerous, a trait which Crowe mystifyingly failed to convey.

The supporting cast in this film is unbelievably wonderful. The James gang boys are actually given personalities and the actors eat up every line. Sam Shepard is excellent as Jesse's older brother, and should have been given more screen time. Similarly, it pains me that the women are so underused, especially Mary Louise Parker as Jesse's wife Zee, but she does well with what she's given. In fact, one of the most powerful moments in the film is a brief shot of Zee looking on in distressed horror as her husband's body is treated as a tourist attraction on ice.

The ugly beast of fame is not glossed over. The treatment of James's body post-mortem is disturbing. The re-enactments of the assassination by Ford and his brother (as Jesse) is incredibly unsettling. Ford's increasing remorse is apparent, and it's difficult to ever loathe the man. Ford's killing, though inevitable, is tragic, but the treatment of his killer is the ultimate low blow. Not only does the country rejoice at Ford's death, but the Governor pardons his killer after a large assemblage of signatures protesting the man's incarceration. The whole business is appauling. The audience, at least those of us who are engaged by the film, are left with the image of a man who was too young to understand the complex situation he thrust himself into. Ford bought into and was corrupted by his perception of fame. Then he was devoured by it.
It's not exactly the type of film you go see to lift your spirits, but if you're inclined toward cerebral stimulation, this is the type of art that should tickle your dormant fancy.

WHAT HAPPENED?: Elizabeth- The Golden Age

Ten years ago an excellent historical drama helmed by an Indian director and starring an up and coming Australian actress crashed onto the scene and wowed the portion of the population that engages in thought. It was interesting, well acted and beautiful to look at. Elizabeth (1998) kick started Cate Blanchett's film career. I will die feeling that she was robbed at the Oscars by Gwyneth Paltrow, but nobody actually votes based solely on performance. Shekhar Kapur captured the humanity of a monarch whom to this day is considered one of the greatest and most interesting rulers in recorded history.

So...What in hell happened?




















Sequels of any kind are tricky. The general rule of thumb is that film number two is supposed to be grander and more epic. Thing is, grande has a tendency to slip into ridiculous really really quickly. If Elizabeth: The Golden Age were directed by someone else, I could put my mind at ease in thinking "Well what do you expect, it's a different director." But no, it's the SAME guy, but in name only. Whatever nuance Kapur exhibited in Elizabeth, it was a one time thing.

I chose to ignore word of bad reviews, as I had been anticipating this film from its inception. Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh excited me, and Samantha Morton as Mary Queen of Scots seemed an intelligent casting choice. And of course, the return of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush was key. The cast in Golden Age is top notch, no question...at all. No complaints. Why should anyone have been concerned? There was the slight matter that Kapur had only directed one other film since the first Elizabeth, The Four Feathers (2002), which bombed disasterously and frankly destroyed all three of its stars careers: Wes Bentley- where are you?, Kate Hudson- has only been in comedies since, Heath Ledger- JUST made a comeback with Brokeback Mountain. Previous to Elizabeth, Kapur did a number of Bollywood films, but NOTHING after Elizabeth aside from the one bomb. Where is the growth? The exercise in skill? Nowhere. Clearly, the man was scrambling after Feathers tanked and figured he'd limp back to his one Hollywood glory. Good move, I say. Who wouldn't be behind that? I imagine he had no trouble convincing Blanchett and Rush to do the film again, and those are two actors who would draw other good actors. The money follows. Oh how the money clearly followed. Too much money.

Immediately the film is ridiculous, but you ignore it. We are informed of the state of Elizabeth's reign. The music is epic in a silly and boring way and it remains so throughout the ENTIRE film. One of my biggest pet peeves about music in film is when a score is played continuously during every scene without any merit or enhancement of the film. If music detracts from plot, you're an idiot. Not to mention that at times the music devolved from boring classical to almost new age Yanni. WHAT!??

The performances are fine considering the dialogue is...say it with me, ridiculous. Again, it's not immediately obvious. The screenwriters remember for a bit that Elizabeth was renowned for her wit, but the wit falls away into over dramatic statements and her charm is LOST. I couldn't help but compare this film as I watched it to the recent HBO miniseries Elizabeth I. That miniseries OWNED. The humanity they brought to the Queen was engaging, the dialogue incredibly witty and even fun. That miniseries did EVERYTHING right to this film's blistering wrongs. Clive Owen makes everything sound delicious, and it's a testament to his skill that he was able to say much of the dialogue with a straight face. Blanchett as well gets out some zingers. I love how deep her voice can get, and the theatre actress side of her comes out when she projects in anger, but the lines are so clearly proud of themselves that the emotion she musters is canceled out.

I don't know anything about King Philip of Spain, but in this film he comes off as a B-movie villain. He has this weird cripple shuffle and a little daughter who never speaks and carries around a porcelain Elizabeth doll. The characterization is baffling, and it's silliness is rivaled only by the one dimensional sinister portrayal of the Jesuit assassin orchestrating the assassination attempt on the Queen with Mary's help. If your goal is to present a Queen as a human being, you need to humanize EVERYONE around her as well. Kapur clearly took this for granted, as he did it so well in the first film, and allowed the entire cast to devolve into caricatures. While I prefer excellent scripts, I believe that a film can rise above it's horrid script through good direction. It just seems that NO ONE involved in making this film was anywhere near the top of their game.

There is so much to complain about, it's hard to keep track. The costumes. At first glance Elizabeth's gowns are amazing, but quickly detract from any sense of seriousness the film is desperately trying to hold on to. Don't get me wrong, the costume designer is clearly talented, but Elizabeth's many gowns and wigs would have been more at home in a runway show in an Elizabethan theme. Going back to the HBO miniseries, the costumes and wigs were painstakingly researched, and the realness pays off. Some of Blanchett's garb seemed more suited to a drag show, they were just that overemphasized. Her wig and armor outfit before the naval battle with Spain is just plain sad. Why would Queen Elizabeth I have a wig resembling mermaid hair?

Ultimately, Elizabeth doesn't seem human at all. There are so many shots of her in full make-up that make her look angelic in a marble statue way and Kapur has her stand still as he pans around her. There's no humanity left to cling to, she's not one of us and never was it seems. It's upsetting to me that that's the ultimate impression because she is SO human and fragile yet powerful in the first film. I am really at a loss as to why so much of the integrity of the first film was lost.The human being (1998)


Ridiculous (2007)

Before I abandon this film for dead I must share the one redeeming moment. This film is bad as bad can be, but ironically contains one of the greatest moments in acting I have ever seen. I know that sounds crazy after all that, but it's true. In a scene that doesn't even last two minutes, Samantha Morton unleashes a frenzy of emotion that exhibits a level of humanness that is absent anywhere else in the film. It is the moment when Mary Queen of Scots is informed that her plot against Elizabeth is discovered and that she is being arrested for treason. The depth and utterly interesting range of her reaction is impossible to put into words. It's so good and lacking in any cliches, that I want her to win an Oscar just so her glimpse of brilliance won't be forever buried under the pile of mess it got stuck in. The treatment of Mary's execution in the film is pathetic. Again, HBO nailed it by addressing the brutality and embarrassment of the execution gone wrong as well as fully expressing Elizabeth's horror at not only having to sanction the death of another Queen and her cousin, but having to sanction the death of a woman in the same fashion as her father killed her mother. Golden Age doesn't even MENTION that it took TWO strokes to kill Mary and that when the executioner picked up her head it fell out of its wig and rolled down the steps.

My advice, not that at this point anyone needs it, is to watch the HBO miniseries, and when this load pops up on DVD check out every scene with Samantha Morton. Better yet, illegally download it just for the one scene and then remember it as a short film and move on with your life. I was ragingly pissed after viewing this film, but my faith was restored by viewing the antithesis of it- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. I'll get to that later.

CALM AS HINDU COWS, MY ASS!

MEMO:

TO: All Airport Travelers

From: Derek Loozander, Professional Roadslut, Ph.D. R.S. Harvard University

10/17/07

UPON ARRIVING AT THE TERMINAL SECURITY CHECKPOINT:

Take your shoes off. 

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!

TAKE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHOES OFF BITCHES!!!

Don't piss me OFF! Strip off those belts too! And get rid of those chapsticks. JESUS CHRIST, I COULD STRIP NAKED AND WRENCH THE FILLINGS OUT OF MY FUCKING TEETH BEFORE YOU PEOPLE FIGURED OUT WHAT THE FUCK SHOES ARE. 

Also - No liquids, or gels. Forget joining the mile high club accompanied by KY Jelly, you're goona have to do it raw dog. BUT look on the bright side - Should you choose to do so, the airplane bathroom faucet will be so far up your tight attache-carrying corporate ass you won't even be able to feel discomfort anywhere else! Come on now, if you can get your pants down in one of those little piss cubicles I have complete faith that you will be able to get your shoes off before you even enter the terminal.

Trust me, if you're going to hijack a plane, you can almost sneak a fucking GUN on board while airport security is busy X-RAYING your BAGS for BLISTEX. But do so at your own risk, because the bottom line in traveling American Airways nowadays, regardless of what COLOR of TERROR LEVEL we happen to be experiencing at the moment (btw THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!), is simple:

AMERICANS WILL KICK YOUR ASS. 

Remember the story about the guy that had a bomb in his shoe on a post 9-11 flight. Yea - the stewardess pretty much jumped into his lap and started wailing him in the face until they got him on the ground. Don't mess, motherfuckers - A FIGHT CAN ARISE AT THE DROP OF A DIME NOWADAYS - which brings me back to my original point - take your son-of-a-bitching-shoes OFF. And BELTS. And throw out your CHAPSTICKS. And KY JELLY. And it might not be a good idea to put that condom on beforehand if you're afraid you won't have enough space to unroll it later (because remember - you gotta pinch that half an inch at the top). If security catches you you're going to be the next American Idiot of the Moment.

Until then, Runaway Bride Wishes, and Diapered Ex-Astronaut Dreams everybody!

Welcome Back, Cruise

Memorandum
10/15/2007
To: Tom Cruise
From: Marie Lasferatu
Re: Bring it on!




It's been awhile, but I'm ready to say it. I've missed you. It's really hard to say that, especially since I've talked alot of shit about you, but discussing you with someone whom made a really good point made me realize that you're actually NOT the anti-christ. That lady on the Comcast commercials is.

Anyone with taste can name at least five movies of yours that they like/love. At LEAST. I will name ten:

1. Interview with the Vampire (vampire! a true testament)
2. Legend (essential fantasy)
3. Magnolia (your finest hour)
4. Eyes Wide Shut (another fine hour)
5. Collateral (bad ass)
6. Far and Away (guilty pleasure-awesome)
7. Minority Report (great dark sci-fi)
8. War of the Worlds (awesome)
9. Mission Impossible I (less explosions, better plot)
10. The Last Samurai (great epic)

Fuck it. Scientology does not sound that much more convoluted than Christianity. I get annoyed when anybody discusses the importance of their religion, so why should I take it all out on you and your celebrity center? Fuck your celebrity center by the way, but that's not the point here. You are a great actor. You are, Tom, and the thing is you've been a movie star for pretty much your whole career and in people's minds anyone who stars in big budget movies all the time can't possibly be a great actor, but you are. PT Anderson KNEW this when he wrote Magnolia and fought to cast you. He did NOT create that level of performance, you have that in you. I get that, and it's awesome. Stanley Kubrick knew it too. Stanley KUBRICK, how many motherfuckers have the ability to say that they STARRED in a Kubrick film. An AWESOME Kubrick film, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Do I wish you had more performances like those on your career list? Sure, but I'm a film snob. Everyone is NOT Daniel Day-god among us-Lewis, and every film you make does NOT need to be mind cripplingly intelligent or even important. War of the Worlds is fucking entertaining, and I need that.

You have been a part of my life since I was capable of watching films. Legend is a staple among much of my generation, and though it is not one of your highest points as an actor, it is still a great 80s fantasy flick, and you should be proud, despite what vision-less critics may say. YOU and only YOU have made Lestat a reality. You are Tom fucking Cruise, not a particularly tall brunette and you seamlessly portrayed a six foot tall blonde French vampire. Brad Pitt bows to you in Interview with the Vampire, and Kirsten Dunst was never better up until Marie Antoinette just LAST YEAR. You won Anne Rice over, and despite that there are those who do not enjoy you in that role, I am saying as a former whore for the Vampire Chronicles; you gave us what will most likely be the only dignified cinematic portrayal of one of the greatest vampires born from literature.

I still think Katie and you flaunted it a little too hard, but honestly, I imagine if you tried to be undercover the media coverage would've been only slightly less. It just seemed like you were displaying a brand new shiny toy and there was something forced about it, but really how can any of us claim to know what's really what? I hope y'all is for real, I really do. But Tom, you've shown a trend of swallowing up your lady's career. It seems pretty unintentional, maybe you're just one of those guys that a woman just wants to devote all her energy to. And you know what? Katie Holmes is a shit actress, so I 'spose you're really doing her a favor. How can I fault you for that? You know what else? Thank you.

The Brooke Shields thing, you shouldn't have said that to her. I whole heartedly agree that people all over the world are being unnecessarily doped the fuck up for the slightest chemical shift, but something as severe as post-partum depression requires more than a run and extra fruit in the diet. I like to think that you understand the difference, and though your apology to Sheilds totally seemed forced, it was a decent effort, and I appreciate it. You've been really good about shying away from the paparazzi zoo shit show. Good move. Though I know you were in the midst of promoting a film, I have to tell you that it was all quite an overkill and made it impossible to sit through a film of yours. Too much of a bombardment of personal life destroys a performance. Only now am I ready to even consider watching Mission Impossible III.

However, I am more than willing to go see your upcoming films. Lions for Lambs, though potentially preachy as fuck, seems interesting. From the previews I've seen, your performance appears intriguing. Valkyrie is near the top of my list of upcoming films I'd like to see. This could be a good one for you, Tom. You'll probably only end up with an honorary Oscar four days before you die at the age of 134, but many of us already know that you're a far better actor than several past honorees (see: Halle make-me-FEeEEl-GOOood Berry).

I don't want us to fight anymore. There is a shortage of great stars around. I wish you luck with United Artists and hope you make interesting choices. Please don't produce a Michael Bay film, and please don't approve the release of a CGI film whose quality is inferior to Jurassic Park (made over a decade ago).

It feels good to get this off my chest. You've alienated alot of people, but I've realized, who fucking cares? You are T to the OM CRUISE! Bring it.

The Army Grows...

Side Note: Maynard James Keenan is one of my favorite vocalists/lyricists of all time. That being said, I am really disappointed in the silliness that his solo project Puscifer has turned into. That being said, I think it's badass that he's going about it independently from any record label, and I felt that what he had to say about the whole process and current state of the industry was worth repeating and worth adding on to our growing documentation of the bubbling music revolution.




dearest supporters, street teamers, and mailing listers.

thank you for signing up to help.

re: puscifer "v is for vagina" music..

first and foremost, if you don't like what you're hearing from this project so far, don't lie about it out of respect.
if you're compelled to support it in spite of what you've heard and not appreciated, then support it because you believe in the precedent of independence i'm attempting to set.

promise me that much and then we can proceed from here.

this project for me is one part fun, one part learning experience. trying to go it alone, without a label to convolute my efforts is very terrifying, chaotic, and challenging. but all in a very positive way. many many dark corners and unknowns. it’s liberating but still pretty damn scary. this is a very very expensive education. i could very easily lose my ass on this whole thing. but it’s sort of ok. i can afford a new ass.
anyway…

lot’s of controversy flying about regarding downloading. time to throw my 2 cents in. downloading wont effect me TOO much. but it will affect those bands right on the edge. bands who could use the hundred bucks to make it to the next town to play a show (gas and food aren’t free. go figure) . or could use some cash to record a new record.( imagine that. it actually takes money to record a record.) i can afford to pay for the recording of my record. i’m one of the lucky ones. (thanks to nirvana and the label feeding frenzy, i won the early 90’s grunge lottery.) but those days are history. in order for young bands to survive nowadays, they need to get paid for their efforts. touring costs money. recording costs money. unless you’re ok with bands recording their songs on their Palm Treo. personally i went the extra mile and tried to incorporate that ancient and illusive medium known as “analog tape.” because, and i can hear the yawns welling up as i type… because it sounds better. the machines are expensive and a pain in the ass to maintain but they’re worth it. that is unless people are just gonna steal your efforts. then it’s a big fat FUCK NO, IT”S NOT WORTH IT. so don’t be douche bags. support the process.

devils advocate… it feels like the digital landscape has widened peoples appreciation of new music. it’s placed alternative forms of music in front of those who may not have been exposed otherwise. it feels like people are more excited about music than they have been in a long time. but for fuck sake… pay the man for his song and dance. otherwise the only people who can afford to record quality music are the cookie cutter boy bands with their corporate sponsors and media machines.(Dick In Box Excluded, of course) please do your best to support bands like Autolux, the Burning Brides, Isis, etc… they need you. i need you, but they need you more. having said that…
i’m doing this pretty much on my own. no label support aside from the distributor. it’s a HUGE learning curve. but if i can navigate it, i will be able to share what i’ve learned. i can make it easier for other bands that are trying to do it on their own. make it possible for us all to survive in our little microcosms rather than fall victim to the seductive song of the sirens… the expensive and impersonal macrocosm of the major label dog and pony show.
once again, thank you for your efforts.

m j keenan
professional dumbass

FREE AT LAST!

08 October 2007: *originally posted on nin.com Big News

Hello everyone. I've waited a LONG time to be able to make the
following announcement: as of right now Nine Inch Nails is a totally
free agent, free of any recording contract with any label. I have
been under recording contracts for 18 years and have watched the
business radically mutate from one thing to something inherently very
different and it gives me great pleasure to be able to finally have a
direct relationship with the audience as I see fit and appropriate.
Look for some announcements in the near future regarding 2008.
Exciting times, indeed.

posted by Trent Reznor at 10:45 AM


Trent Reznor! Radiohead! Who's next!!? My money's on Jack White...he's thinkin' about it...

In Television News: What the FUCK?

wow. WOW. I don't know if I should credit his intellect, but somehow Puff Daddy (or whatever the FUCK he's calling himself now) has managed to slurp up the blatant and overdramatic misogyny of mainstream rap and poop it out onto the pseudo classy pretentious face of the designer perfume industry. So now, at the rate of twice in the last half hour, I have to see that talentless diamond encrusted fuckers face fake-fucking some brunette barely legal model in a commercial clearly edited to look oh-so-independent and creative, for a perfume designed by that twat for women called.......Unforgivable Woman. Said the twat who has recently accepted paternity for his fourth or sixth child. Said the "man" who perpetually cheated on his super model wife. AAAGH!

I love men, but this kinda shit is BULLSHIT.

*The lame commercial is after his lame self-congratulatory speech

In Film News: FINALLY, a Sweeney Todd Trailer!!

This film has the potential to be a balls out crazy horror musical. Burton, don't fail me now!

Danny Huston: Undercover Hot Motherfucker

While watching the behind the scenes featurette of my new obsession The Proposition, I was struck with a firm realization: Danny Huston is kinda sexy. It was not him in character as the scraggly haired and bearded homicidal maniac Arthur Burns, but as himself- short curly graying hair pulled back in a little puff ponytail and graying beard with slightly crazy Jack Nicholson eyebrows and madman smile- that made me stop and go "Heeeeey, someone's been keeping a secret!" Hot guys with slightly freakish facial qualities are a plus (see also: Cillian Murphy).
I don't mean to gush like a twelve year old, but I think someone as talented as Danny Huston deserves the kudos, especially since he will never be cast as the hot romantic lead. He is a character actor, hands down. He is the tkind of character actor that regardless of the quality of the film, he will elevate its worth. Cinematic artistry is in his blood, so it's no surprise that he has such a knack for acting.

Obligatory back story:
The Hustons are without question a cinematic dynasty, and I will have done them no justice here.

Most of us are familiar with Angelica Huston. If you're drawing a blank, crawl back under your rock. The younger woman is also his sister. I think he's making fun of the smiling woman.

Angelica is Danny's older half-sister. His half-brother Tony is an Oscar winning screenwriter, and his grandfather Walter Huston is an Oscar winning actor. His father John Huston (1906-1987) was a legendary Hollywood director. Here is a quick list of films he helmed that you've probably at least heard of:

1. The Maltese Falcon 1941- starring Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor and Peter Lorre
2. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre 1948- starring Humphrey Bogart and his father Walter whom won his Oscar for the film
3. The Red Badge of Courage 1951- starring Robert Easton
4. The African Queen 1951- starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn
5. Moby Dick 1956- starring Gregory Peck
6. The Misfits 1961- Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe and Montgomery Clift
7. The Dead 1987 - swan song and family affair: adapted by son Tony Huston (won Oscar) and starring daughter Angelica Huston

You get the idea, right?

While I am familiar with many of these films, I'm ashamed to admit I haven't seen any of them.

The Point:
Danny Huston is one of those special older men who does not appear immediately hot to the untrained eye. This would certainly work in one's favor when embarking on an acting career that one actually wants to be worth something. Plus it means he most likely has an actual personality. He keeps his hotness under lock and key in most every role I have seen him in. Of his roles to this point Huston has said, "I seem to play a lot of losers." If most of Danny Huston's characters are losers, he has certainly done a good job of presenting the loser as highly multi-faceted.

1. 21 Grams 2003-

This is the first role I can remember seeing Huston in, and it certainly doesn't fit into the "loser" category, unless dying makes you a loser. His screen time is limited, but he projects a lasting sweetness as Naomi Watts' husband whom is tragically killed along with their two daughters. You understand from his brief time on screen that he was the glue holding together that drugged out whore's life. Sad. The hotness remained deep undercover.

2. Birth 2004- Cuter than Nicole

While technically he's supposed to be the asshole fiancee to Nicole Kidman's tortured widow, this is the role where the hotness sort of flagged me down. If you ignore the fact that neither person is concerned too much with the other's mindset, the sex scene is kind of hot. Ultimately the hotness went back undercover to embark on the most forced union ever.

3. The Proposition 2005-
I will spare yet another discussion of this film. Huston adds to the pantheon of homicidal yet strangely intellectual sociopaths with his delivery of outlaw Arthur Burns. While his quirkiness is inviting, the hotness is on vacation. This is one of those roles that affirms his talent and his ability to be fucking scary. The pointy eyebrows are tragically consumed by his Charles Manson hair and beard.

4. The Constant Gardener 2005-Hands down one of the best horror films I've ever seen. Real life is scary. Huston plays more of a slime ball in this one, and is TOTALLY unsexy. In fact I distinctly remember seeing this film in theaters and thinking what an absolute twat his character was, even disgusting. That's acting, biznatches. Hotness M.I.A.

5. Marie Antoinette 2006-
Hey, if emperors are losers, sign me up. Huston played Antoinette's older brother and eventual emperor of the Hungarian-Austrian empire. He has like, two scenes, which is very unfortunate because he added an interesting dynamic, and it would have been nice to see the two siblings interact more. He wore the frocks with dignity and should have been given more opportunity to flaunt it. Hotness suppressed. On a side note, Marianne Faithful plays their mother, and lord have mercy has she aged.

6. Children of Men 2006- You simply cannot be hotter than Clive Owen. Tough gig.

This is most certainly one of my favorite films of all time. It amazes me every time I watch it. Clive Owen owns, Michael Cain is awesome, and even Julianne Moore proves she must have been drugged repeatedly to make The Forgotten and NExt. Huston has one scene as Owen's snooty cousin, but his character seems interesting. He somehow managed to convince the British gov't that Art needs to be salvaged from all over the world, which is awesome, and he basically gets to live with it all. His character is a bit too high class and tightly wound. You can almost feel the uneasiness in the air, and are for a moment concerned he's going to turn on Owen, but he comes through like family should. Hotness muted by silver spoon etiquette.


Talent magnifies hotness. I hope one day a director will fully utilize Danny Huston, but it's hard to complain about the career of a good character actor. With smaller roles comes more time to work. He's so far averaging 2-3 films a year. No complaints at all. Recently he popped up in The Number 23 and The Kingdom. Um, I'll have to respectfully decline until a later date, but I am certain his performances will hold up. Soon he will prove his worth to me in the ultimate test, a role as a vampire. The two people who read my previous post "Lamenting the Loss of Interesting Vampires in Film" will remember my apprehension toward upcoming vamp flick 30 Days of Night. Huston is apparently the head vampire. SOLD. Enough to check out the flick in a semi-intoxicated state at least. I haven't scene a vamp flick on a big screen in many years, I suppose I should just give it a go. I can always lick my wounds later with a viewing of the new release of Bram Stoker's Dracula. I'm not too thrilled with the appearances of the vampires from the stills I've seen, but personality and wit can make up for alot. Alot...

Regardless of the crap outcome, Danny Huston will still remain an undercover hot motherfucker. Spread the word. This man clearly likes a good martini and a blunt.

I heart Radiohead...

Radiohead tells fans to pay what they want for album

10/01/2007 11:25 AM, Reuters
Jonathan Cohen

Radiohead, one of the world's most influential rock bands, plans to sell its new album from its Web site as a digital download and let fans choose what they want to pay.

With music sales in decline globally for seven successive years, the industry is engaged in a debate over how best to reverse the trend.

Radiohead said its seventh studio album "In Rainbows" would be available from Radiohead.com from October 10 in MP3 format, meaning it can be played on all digital devices. In the latest twist in the move to digital music, fans can choose how much to pay, or can pay nothing if they prefer.

The band will also offer a special edition boxed set for 40 pounds ($82) which will be available later and will include two vinyl albums, a CD version of the new album and a second CD with additional new songs, artwork and photographs of the band.

Music observers said the British five-piece, which is no longer signed to a record label, is able to sell directly to its fans because it has such an established support base.

"They are the first band to put their money where their mouth is," Gareth Grundy, deputy editor of Q music magazine, told Reuters. "I think other bands that have been similarly successful will look and, if it is deemed to have worked, will do the same."

The traditional music business model has been under pressure as piracy and the move to digital sales has cut into album revenues. A strong area of growth, however, is live music and any subsequent tour by Radiohead would be boosted by the interest generated by the album.

"The traditional business model had been ruined by the Internet," said Grundy. "The industry is still trying to work out what on earth the new model or models should be and this is just one option."

Radiohead's digital or boxed set versions could be pre-ordered from the group's Web site from Monday and a spokesman said the box set had so far proved the more popular.

The group is planning a traditional CD release of the album in early 2008.

A decision by U.S. music star artist Prince to give his latest album away free with a British newspaper was met with fury by retailers and the industry who said it undermined the value of recorded music.

TV NEWS: Fuck You ABC.

A SUPERNATURALLY BIONIC HOSTILE TAKEOVER.

by Derek Loozander

09/28/07

I was going to start this blog with a picture of a certain shitty new fall TV show, but all I could find was this GAP AD:

Oh wait, no - excuse me. At first glance I thought those were models but upon further analysis I find they are something much worse: Desperate older unknown actors embarking upon yet ANOTHER failing TV adventure. However, like gap ads these days, I'm pretty sure proceeds from this adventure are going to CHARITY.

Lets just start the numbering game NOW:

1. Kate Walsh - you are sexy. Your character WAS sexy. Unfortunately now she is not. Unfortunately now you have taken your character from her place as the mysterious and powerful embittered soon-to-be-ex-wife and put her in a new place: a SITCOM - but the only JOKE is on YOU! These new less interesting characters that surround you now are going to dismantle everything interesting about you that it took 2.5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy to establish. You were part of an ENSEMBLE. Who the hell did you sleep with to get this job? And why? I hope it was good.

2. Maybe its for the best - those GA writers seem like they're dropping ACID all over that script these days. Please - next time Meredith almost dies why don't you just kill her completely and then have Derek Shepherd have sex with her inanimate corpse in a sick posthumous Snow White kind of way, thereby reanimating her, since thats the ONLY thing she seems to LIVE FOR. "Derek why are we having sex in the morgue?" (cue force feeding of scene-destroying pretentious soundtrack here)

3. SUPERNATURAL SUPERNATURAL SUPERNATURAL! Nobody should even care about ANY OF THIS SHIT when there is a show 20x BETTER on the CW in the same time slot as GA. Alright I'm going for the picture. LADIES: Hold onto your VAGINAS:

 

IN YOUR McDREAMS, BITCH!

AND - they're going to be accompanied by two FEMALES this coming season. GUYS: Its your turn - Hold onto your VAGINAS:

AND THEY HAVE SPECIAL WEAPONS TRAINING - KATHERINE HEIGL, WHO?

But I digress as usual.

4. Can anybody tell me anything about Private Practice? NO - because everything you've seen so far (with the exclusion of the first episode) has to do with Gray's anatomy shit. The producers at ABC are expecting all of the fans of GA to follow like sheep over to this show so they can rake in even MORE dough!

5. Well ABC, once upon a time a few years back, after the finale of friends NBC had become a joke and you staked your claim over the airwaves. BUT - this season NBC is back, and they are about to throw you a SERIOUS BIONIC CURVEBALL.

Just push play:

Need I say more?

YEA - This fall, one way or another, ABC: YOU ARE GOING DOWN.